Wednesday, December 30, 2009

SEX SCENES

Hm, didn't know what to title this post, so I'd thought of something that would catch your eye.

What? It worked, obviously.


So I was watching Avatar today (which is AMAZING by the way. it's been a while since a movie has amazed me so much. i can't help saying this, but Pocahontas/Ferngully on crack, anyone?) and I couldn't help notice that practically every preview I watched had a glimmer of sexual tension or a hint of the act itself in it. One movie preview had the clashing of fire, weapons and armies and sex scene; another had the exciting adventure of treasure seeking, magical tales and myths coming to life and sex scene; and then another captured the suspenseful chase and showcase of how much beating a human body can take when on the run... oh and sex scene. sex scene, sex scene, sex scene. wtf?


Is it so normal and expected, that producers and directors are just like "cool, awesome! The story is great. now let's put ubiquitous sex scene overrr~rrr *closes eyes and waves fingers and points to arbitrary spot on script* THERE." And NOW the previews. Pair up some epic sounding choir music with a lot of bass with a sex scene, and apparently it's supposed to make me want to watch the movie.

We all know how AWKWARD the romance in a lot of action/fantasy movies can be. I think writers a) are fed up trying to make the love speak for itself through high quality dialogue (antiexample: Annakin (looking at Padme): I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth) or b) don't believe that the audience can get the hint or need stronger examples because we're too dense to get it or c) think we actually enjoy watching sex scenes even though it makes it awkward for everyone especially if we're watching with our parents

or maybe it's d) that the sex eduation council wants to send subliminal visual lessons to the people because how else will they learn.


Seriously do other people see it as something to wait out until it's over?? Or treat it as a time where the upper-left hand corner of the movie/tv screen is actually interesting to look at? I don't know what the general consensus of this is, but this loser who can't handle it thinks that it's just this tacky accessory that I think a lot of action/fantasy movies can save a good 2-3 minutes.

And if that's the case, I'm waiting for them go out of date.

I'm out!
Amber

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Some words in my head

i see no sign of spring in your december eyes.
with a frosty breath you said the words
that froze the heart that would have
warmed your captive expression.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I can hear the bells...

...For one of my bestest friends, Shuyin!! Yes that's right, Shuyin is going to be the first of my friends to get married and I'm going to be a bridesmaid. Heck yea!! Sea-foam green hideous dress here I come.

Just kidding!! (she's planning to give us the classy and timeless black dress that can be worn over again. oh i love how practical she is :P )

Ding dong the bells are going to chime and I'm going to play a part other than table-sitter and food-eater for one of the most important events of Shuyin and Dave's lives! I am thrilled, excited and utterly joyful for them.

But wow, think about it. This is a wedding. My peer is getting married. Peer = my age. Oh crap, I'm 22 and people start or are currently thinking about this stuff at my age. When the flip did this happen? Me? At the age to get married and getting all serious and stuff? Oh I would rofl if the ground weren't so hard (hardwood floors, you know.)

People know me as the girl who ranked celibacy as #2 for her gifts test (next to #1 Hospitality and #3 Encouragement). I often make the words of Paul in the book of 1 Corinthians as my motto on the issue: "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

That reminds me of the song shorty fire burnin on the dancefloor, but that's besides the point. Yeah... I don't think I'm really burning with any passion. It's just that... I don't see myself sharing my life with someone else with such a high degree of intimacy. This is MY life, time and space and I am hard-pressed to give that up!! My romantic notions are still pretty juvenile; not unlike the portrayal of love as done by Korean dramas that consist only of the magic of getting to know the person, the cuteness of maybe holding hands and just the loveliness of being liked by someone. There is no getting serious (except those crazy ones where ppl give up their eyeballs for the other person, but that's besides the point.)

So what does that mean for me? Am I to live out the road of singleness as Paul had and to find utter satisfaction and fulfillment in that?

Hmm celibacy -- I've been told that's a pretty special gift. But I wish it came also with the gift of super wisdom.... or flying.. or a $50 giftcard to Trader Joe's. Either one.


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

They call him ED



Ed is an abbreviated and personified form of the phrase "eating disorder." It is the inner critic inside telling us we're not good enough and we should eat less and aim to look a certain way because of it. 1 in 7 women is said to have an eating disorder in America. Reasons are diverse and often overlapping -- pressure from peers, media, anxiety and depression. It's caused both by having an innate vulnerability to the disease as well as factors from one's environment.

It's a dark and destructive place -- to be consumed by the numbers on the scale and to fear what is meant to be sustenance and nutrition. I've definitely read and seen how Ed grips people in differing degrees of severity. Some women are scared out of their minds to eat and need drugs to calm them down. Others manage to allow themselves nourishment, but are just overly analytical about it.

I remember for myself when I was in that bad place in my life, when sitting down at a restaurant or going grocery shopping would result in an immediate routine dialogue in my head about what's the best choice to eat based on what would make me fat or not: I should only order dishes that would be the least greasy and smallest portions. I cannot buy anything with too much sugar, actually forget buying any snacks at all. How did that all start? I can pinpoint a moment in my junior year of highschool that I looked at myself one day and thought "too fat." And the cutting of portions, the slashing out of sugary and unhealthy snacks, the constant weighing and number counting began.

A good day wasn't a day where I ate delicious foods and had all things in moderation. No, a good day was me being hungry, dizzy and grumpy. What's sad was that despite feeling miserable and anxious all the time of what went in my stomach, I felt proud and accomplished. Each pound lost was a victory of ridding myself the nuisances and despicableness I found in my life. Each pound lost was the finger at Nature, who did not make me thin and beautiful as I would have liked to have been. Even though I was so unhappy with many things in my life, I had the trophies of my weight-control to take comfort in.

But those days are in the past. I was never really diagnosed with an ED, but I'm pretty sure I would have been had I continued down that path. Interestingly, I had gradually gotten myself out of trying to lose weight all the time. It might have been a combining factor of a lot of things -- 1) my tactics to drop the pounds was backfiring and I was just sick of battling myself all the time, 2) i was finding myself less and less anxious about life and more and more blessed at all the new things I was embarking upon in college 3) I like food too much to give a shit anymore.

Honestly though, I still relapse into very negative thoughts about my looks like today when I was trying on clothes at a store. There's something about being in a fitting room with unfamiliar articles of clothing that can make or break a girl's perception of herself. Sizes are so varying and those mirrors are so darn revealing that it's difficult not to listen to Ed who's telling you you should be X pounds less so you can fit into certain things better.

I really hope one day I can just not care anymore. I really hope to not have to care about such superficial concerns and not to wastefully let it take precedence in my thoughts and attention. I really hope to make the inner critic in me STFU while it's screaming all the regrets I should be having for what I ate dinner or how I should look like. I really hope to listen to only what the real me is saying.

It's such a inward-focused mentality and it's so so sad that many talented and brilliant people just can't be themselves anymore because Ed is consuming them and letting them waste away. I hope everyone can realize how there's so much more to life than caring to look "pretty enough" or "thin enough." it's not worth the time and feelings and anxiety and thought energy!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Almost FML

Hello all! It's SO cold. It was actually supposed to snow, but it just ended up being rainy, cold and wet. blah. AnyWAYS. My dad had spent an extra 1.4K to fly home from a middle of a business trip to see my graduation. Yesterday I realized I didn't register or commencement. FML. ORRR WAS IT??

Freaking mercy was shown on me and the lady in charge says I'm still eligible. Damn dude, talk about living on the edge. I felt invincible when I got the greenlight. But then I lost a glove. Oh well, life's give and take i guess =)




Thought I would give a bit of a food update, since I haven't in a while. And quite honestly I haven't been making that much interesting stuff, just korean soups, lots of veggies, squashes, pumpkins and lots of nut butters. But today I thought I would make lunch a little special!!!

Almost ALL of the ingredients in my lunch were locally grown/from a farmer's market/veggie basket!!



Screams fall salad -- cabbage, squash and apples from the farmers market, arugula from the CSA, persimmons from somebody's yard, blue cheese from nugget and pecans from trader joe's. Dressing was made with lime from farmers market and a bit of apple cider for sweetness. SO GOOD.

The cabbage I got from the FM was SO HUGE, like a foot in diameter or something and only $1.50 for the whole thing! It's also surprisingly super sweet, unlike any cabbage i've ever had before.



Pumpkin tortilla from FM and eggs from a Davis producer. I think I like very orangey foods at the moment :)


Okay enjoy that food for thought. hope it inspires you to make something delicious and fresh as well! (some of you are like, GIRL i ain't got no time for this).


:) Amber



Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Autumn date



Tuesdays are supposed to be one of the most stress free days this quarter -- I only have taichi in the morning! Usually, though, I end up having to run errands or meet up with people, so I actually don't have as much time to really sit around and be bored as I thought. I actually noticed that my afternoon/evening that day until small group has been pretty free and people-less for the most part and I've been using them to soak in the crisp, beautiful scenes of fall all bundled up in my cold-weather wardrobe. Mmm so nice!

I like to stroll downtown near sunset and notice picturesque trees against the backdrop of glowing skies and smudges of clouds. It's nice hearing the sounds of conversations passing you by and the wind rustling the leaves. Some people have a really great fall fashion styles! I like sitting in cozy cafes, sipping on too much tea and noticing the different people around me. I like to make up conversations for the ones I can't hear: an older couple where the man is telling her that she's joy and light in his life; or a mom and daughter making strides in their growing relationship.




There's something about walking downtown by yourself on any old fall day that is beautiful and oddly romantic. I get to notice all these details at my pace, get lost in my thoughts and muse about the things around me. Ah, yup. Methinks there's nothing like a date with yourself. Do you find that strange? :)



Amber

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Designer Amber is in the hizzzzouse
















I have been inspired by fashion lately to make stuff like... OWL PILLOWS and little ornaments!!!

More to come!! I'm also trying to spruce up this really bland gray blazer that's been in my sister's closet for a while. It seems that all this creativity is making this weekend pretty jazzzy. Haha never thought I had it in me to use a sewing machine (on the owl pillow!).

Thursday, November 26, 2009

What the devil says to me

Dude amber, what's your problem girl? Why are your recent posts so dark and ambiguously EMO. You're not usually like this are you? When I first met you, I thought you were cheerful with a sunny disposition. Now, reading this and getting to know you more, you seem to be more of the partly cloudy type most days.

I guess I'm a little disappointed. I remember you used to be pretty optimistic and fun to be around. Now, it seems like you have ISSUES. No, don't tell me what they are -- I only have time for the fun and happy Amber, or big and juicy issues like boys and friend drama. Your troubles wear me out. They're just your mundane insecurities that are not only tedious to explain, but tedious to listen to also. Everyone has these and YOU should just get over them.

Speaking of big and juicy issues, why aren't you more x y or z? If you look at girl A, she's got a lot going for her. People love her and she is just so naturally loving. Why aren't you more like that?

Or don't you ever doubt yourself because you are lacking a lot of things? I think you really should look at why you aren't successful or have certain things and change them because it must have something to do with who you are... which isn't really all that great.

And because of your not so great self, you are kind of just there taking up space. See, even that person you thought you could rely on and that person you thought you were tight with don't even want you around. You try to share with them what's on your mind, and they change the subject and don't even acknowledge or try to understand you. They make what you're going through seem insignificant and not worth listening to. Oh yeah, that's because they are.

You should just stay and forget about trying to do anything good because it's not like you are going to succeed anyway. Well, anyhoos. Thought that I'd let you know what was on my mind. I'll be back soon, don't worry. We have a LOT more to talk about.

Your only friend,
The devil.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Zits in life

I remember back in middle school, I was a dorky, awkward kid with pimples and questionable taste in wardrobe. At that time, my complexion was the bane of my existence -- I always had a zit somewhere, or a constant cluster in an area on my face that kinda never went away. I would apply zit creams and face masks, but only to come out with nil results. So I eventually just accepted it, I would never be zit free and clear of complexion troubles.

Luckily, I've grown out of that face. However, I feel like these days how ever more mature than I was back then, I'm experiencing a period of spiritual/emotional puberty. Basically, my challenges are like my zits.. just as that one really tough and stubborn one would go away, another would appear somewhere else. I apologize if I'm not myself lately. I feel like God's just been breaking me down over and over and I'm more often than not just really emotionally drained. I spend a lot of energy living in those dark moments and spend yet more energy trying to find the light again, and by the end of the day I'm too tired to deal with anything more. I think my expression and overall demeanor seem different and I find myself having less patience and willingness to do that happy and self-confident performance I used to do so well.

I am starting to characterize this season of my life as a time of personal humility and really looking into myself. I think last year was a time of my life where I grew by pouring out and investing in relationships. This year, I feel more of a pull to invest in, well, myself. To work on areas that God is showing me how weak and broken I am in and yet how much I am loved and cared for nonetheless. I am looking forward to this challenge and am reminded of Job 23:10:

But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.


Amber Ma

Friday, October 9, 2009

Vegetables!

My friend and I are subscribing to a CSA from Full Circle Farm. CSA stands for community supported agriculture and it's basically a weekly or every other weekly basket from a local farm. Today was our first basket!! And it was seriously like Christmas or something we were so excited hahaha. In the basket were all sorts of peppers, eggplants, tomatillos, REALLY AMAZING cherry tomatoes and an adorable watermelon that you see in that there picture.

I'm really happy to be supporting super local and seasonal eating and it's all in my life-time resolution of eating better and eco-friendly. I'm thinking of also going "most-time" vegetarian. i.e. I'll cook vegetarian for myself and eat meat only on occasion like if it is offered to me at a friends house :). Wee~ Have a wonderful weekend ya'lls!

Monday, August 31, 2009

Stuff I like on a Monday


Heirloom tomatoes that make a wonderful tomato salad with basil and balsamic vinaigrette (homemade of course!)


































Sharing peachy oatmeal with coconut in the morning with Steph =)










Yogurt with Amanda! Yay for being cheap and bringing our own toppings to Cultive.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Today is Wednesday



I think lately I have been more than blessed with things to do and friends to see. I am also really surprised that my stay at home was not boring at all! I was definitely preoccupied and somehow didn't even find a need to sleep as early as 10PM like I usually do when I am home. Movies and How I met Your Mother definitely had a part to play in that.

Spending time with parents, family, going out to eat, seeing old friends were definitely all very healing things that could not have come at a better time. Physical healing paired with emotional nourishment -- a very satisfyingly lived summer indeed.

I've been reflecting a lot that I have definitely been receiving richly this summer. A lot of love, care and just joy from doing things I want and love to do. Like yesterday going to trivia night , having breakfast/brunch with dear friends and just having fun being a 20 something year old. I hope this will bring me to a place where I am able to love freely again, because I have been running out of that lately. I want to care and vision and walk WITH people again, instead of just being kinda inconsistent and half-heartedly present in a lot of my relationships.

I realized also that even if I don't want to do something, that love is many times more of an action than a feeling and that good can come out of me doing something even if it is half-assed and close to an empty gesture. I know doing good and choosing to act out of the reason for love will not bring myself any glory, but be glorifying to the one above. Meh. just a thought.

Okay, stay tuned for more creative breakfasts and random thoughts later...

Amber

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Those days

I kind of miss those days somewhere in the time of grade school where we'd all sit in our "table groups" or clusters and it didn't matter how different we were culturally, socially, racially -- except for the occasional beezy or d-bag, we all just talked and got along just fine. These days, we seldom, if at all, talk to the people in our classes because 1) given the size and arrangement of our classes and 2) because people are just so different when they're older.

Our levels of vulgarity and values, our interests and world views become such a dividing factor in our day-to-day human relationships. It used to all be about our favorite cartoons, snacks we loved, things we're learning... but now, I feel like I have nothing in common with the person in my class that talks about getting wasted and trashed. Or do I?

All in all, I appreciate when people near me talk to me, even if it's mindless small talk. I've been trying train myself to return the favor and try to make a friend or two in class and it's worked! I challenge you to do the same! Kind of scary, but I think it's something most people appreciate. Oh to be optimistic and excited about meeting people... (the feeling sometimes wears out, but embrace it while you can!).


Amber

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Come and go

"I can't... remember... the name, gah!" I say in anguish as I try to give my sister the name of the restaurant my parents and I went to in the Marina district of SF a while ago.

"It was a really good place with excellent scallops and that... other thing we got, can't remember what -- risotto? something with duck?" my dad helps me along the process of recollection.

"Meh, I'll look it up on google later. It was a good place though."


This was a conversation I had just yesterday at one of SF's finest places to eat called Zuni Cafe. We were coincidentally talking about restaurants and none of us seemed to remember this quaint little restaurant that served pretty good tapas we went to a while ago (I looked it up today and it's called Isa).

Thinking about it later, I realized that I can eat at X amounts of nice restaurants -- from ones opened by renowned chefs, to ones with spectacular pre-fixes menus, to ones that source their ingredients from this and that local/organic farm, to ones that fetch impressive ratings on yelp... and yet... how many of those meals do I actually remember what I ordered and how I felt when I ate it? Or how about the restaurant's style, the ambiance?


No matter how spectacular or impressive the place, I remember but few fleeting flavors and delectable moments.

I must say that we humans are definitely creatures of habit... as we may not remember a dish we had somewhere someplace, but after a few tries at In n' out the taste makes a place in our memory harddrives. Likewise, I think we're the same with a lot of things -- remembering the likes of a person after just meeting them, what we learn in classes, the art we see in museums...

Everything has a moment, a place in our lives, but time smudges lines of faces that were once clear and muddles memories that were once fresh.

On a personal note, I think I forget/leave behind most things very easily. You can see that with the relationship with my things -- not much can make me happier than tossing out the unused, outdated or just things that annoy me for that moment. Things that were once well-cherished, shiny and new. These things come and go in my life and some things, in reality are more easy to let go them others. The relationship with some thing was once thriving. It was in my room and I would see it and use it. And then eventually I just had no use for it anymore and it was like I never had it at all to begin with.

This is a cold reality that also goes the same for human relationships. Like a nice meal at a restaurant, my experiences with people can be joyful and rich at the moment, but erode over time. It's so sad that we can forget all the laughs, the conversations, the sparks and replace it with apathy, weariness and irritation. I'm thinking that this must be the same mechanism for marriages that go downhill, for friends that hit rough patches, or just moving on in general.

Nothing lasts forever. Nothing remains. But there is a reason and a time for everything. I try to write things in my journal to help me remember. Maybe I should start some sort of food journal for my meals....


Amber

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Haterade

I think I must have accidentally sipped on some of that nasty stuff because I am feeling the hate bug right now. It's infecting my system to the point where I am just not making any sense, but I think it's a VERY interesting state of being that might be VERY interesting to write about right now. So here it goes --

I don't know why, but all of the sudden, a good portion of my energy is being channeled into great annoyance for a certain beloved college group I belong to. Not directly at any specific person/persons in particular, but just the collective as a whole.

I think the word I am feeling is trapped. Suffocated by that body of 150 something persons -- whom face yours is so familiar to, whom your business is so accessible, whom your awesomeness is based off of well, how awesome you are.

WHAT MAKES SOMEONE AWESOME? What if I don't want to be awesome? What if I just want to be some jerk that annexes herself into her own little world and did her own thing? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM MEEE??

Okay yeah, I'm a part of a caring group of people who care about people who need care. Let's sit in a nice little circle deal with our college, and transitional 20's age drama. Let's talk about how we feel about so and so and this and this. I have drama. But why should I give what comes out of a horse's butt about stuff that I feel at the moment doesn't even deserve acknowledgement compared to the important things in this world? The poor, the hungry, the needy. The nameless, the faceless, the shamed and the forgotten?

Okay, wow. I'm thinking pretty intense thoughts aren't I? I think it's really important that I am away from Davis from a bit and to process this funkiness in a new environment. This is good, I think. I think its' good to question and to rearrange the pieces of things I used to hold so dear and believe in... perhaps into a better collage of what represents me.

Haterade. Cynical cider. Disillusionment dew. Again, I am drunken on these things and will regain soberness in a day or so, so don't take anything I say here as truth or what I truly believe in. gahh I'm just sick from thinking about it right now.


I'm out,
Amber

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Bite into a juicy apple

I just bought a Macbook today. And it came with a free iPod Touch. And I feel a little guilty.

My dad so sweetly gave his best wishes for me to go on with the purchase, even adding that he wants me to add in the better tech. specs and everything (I declined). However, as I'm typing on my really bulky, heavy but perfectly functional dell laptop, I'm caught in a conundrum. Did I allow my soul to be given into the consumerist seduction of being told that I deserve a new sexy and souped up computer? Or will this really be a worthwhile investment that will provide long-term usefulness to help me be a better student, employee, be better organized, etc.?

Macs, as you are well aware, fetch around $1K a pop. That's a lot of money that I am privileged and undeserving to be able to spend on such things for myself. Here is my rationale:

1) My current laptop is 4 years old and nearing its time for retirement. Processing is slow and memory is running out and it's just very vulnerable to viruses and other such problems.

2) My current laptop is really heavy. Taking it to school and other places is doable, but difficult. Macbooks are light and very portable.

3) My current laptop can be donated and given to someone in need of a pretty functional and durable laptop. (sigh yeah, all whilst I enjoy the benefits of the best in the market. what a jerk i am!). Still deciding if that should go to Computers with causes or One Laptop per Child.


I guess it's inevitable that we will be faced with many decisions regarding purchases of big things such as laptops. It's important that careful thought goes into it and that we are ever grateful and acknowledge how lucky we are to be able to have that ability to have laptops, computers, electronics etc. And perhaps to think about what we could do to improve the life of someone else in the process by considering donating to someone who would be so blessed by the things we don't want/need anymore.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Like a parasitic leach...

Like a soft, warm towel that gently smothers and dulls the senses. Four walls and silence that all the more scream out the solitude and hopelessness of my limitation. Where do I go? nowhere. Who do I see? No one. What do I want to do? Nothing, just keep on sleeping. Anything to make a dent in the endless detestable excess of time I have.

The parasitic leach punctures my soul and takes, takes, takes and drains me until it's fat and satisfied. In anaesthesic heaviness of spirit, I stagger into a smaller space, a closet -- a tactic I would resort to as a child when I felt lost or angry. Being in this little area all to myself helps me focus inwardly more easily, helps me deal.

What a child indeed. I long for something, some relief from this darkness, but at the same time so enticed by the darkness. The devils of my brokenness delight in triumph as they gorge themselves on my weakness; up until now too scared to come out in the searing brightness of hope. Hope?! Where do you go, why do you hide your face from me. I am lost, I am lost. Come back and help me find my way.

A parasitic leach is what I would describe my afternoon-evening depression episode yesterday. I think I should stop taking naps, or at least, naps that last over one hour because I wake up and it's all bad from there. Somehow, coffee has been giving me some energy and boost of liveliness, so perhaps at the end of this recovery I'll be a caffeine addict who hates naps.

Anyways, that italicized bit from above sounds pretty dark and depressing huh? I was musing to myself while I sat in that closet that HMM, it would really be great to have some person at this time of recovering from my surgery who would be by my side 24/7 to take me to go wherever and do whatever I wanted. Friends are good too, but I can't expect them to drop their plans for the benefit of my own amusement. Yeah, someone like a personal assistant... or a boyfriend!! Probably the former because they're paid and would do a better job at making me feel better (or a personal assistant that's my boyfriend? ok that's just crazy).

But it was honestly how I felt yesterday and honestly, I feel better now just waking up to a new day and writing that out. But I know I have to be careful. I know I have to continue to trust in God and be good about giving over my broken spirit over to Him because this shit just escalates into more and more negativity until I really do let the darkness triumph over letting God's hope and love in.

I am weak. I do not have it all together. That shouldn't be so much of a surprise though x)

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Stick it to the man part 1

How can I, a privileged and middle-class Asian American female, know what it is like to live sub-standardly? To live with hunger and lack as constant states of being? What a grand notion, to be worlds away from poverty, but be somehow drawn to confronting it, thinking that I can make a difference or something. Does that make me naively idealistic?

I've been inspired lately to ruminate about my socioeconomic status and how it is not something neither to be ashamed about when I see begging, starvation and the underprivileged nor proud of when I know I have the spending power to bring myself some material satisfaction. How can I be used to challenge what the world says what I need and have the right to own and instead seek and live out the truth that God is the sustainer of life (and not my things)?

From a book I'm reading by J. Matthew Sleeth:

Ten percent of the women and 3 percent of men in our country need an antidepressant to get through a day, a day with no fear of starvation, invasion or want. What's wrong? We find that we can buy a house, but not a home. We can purchase entertainment, but not contentment. We can travel the globe, but we feel utterly imprisoned. We have degrees, but little wisdom.


Indeed, what IS wrong? Why are we not deeply happy with our fancy phonemP3googletalktouchberries? Why is it that when I used to go on shopping sprees where I would spend hundreds and come back with beautiful and new things, it still wouldn't be... enough?

This summer I was going to learn a lot about poverty and social justice for those living on the fringes of society. But I realized I can and deeply want to make concrete changes RIGHT NOW in the way I think and live that could break down the way the world has dictated how I should live for money and materials. These things aren't mine, they are God's.

What does this mean for what career I will pursue, what kind of neighborhood I will live in, what kind of shampoo I will buy, and even the rest of my life?

And this is just part 1 of my ruminations on how I not only want to say eff it to "the man", but to actively act on how this serves the Jesus of compassion and justice, who had a heart for the poor and was generous and loving on all occasions.

I end with a very convicting verse from 2 Corinthians 9: You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God.

Amber

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

It's my party and i'll cry if i want to

Crying is so awkward. Someone starts to get wet eyes and all of the sudden we all freeze up and don't know what to do -- comfort the person? leave him/her alone? give a hug? give space?

I was curious as to what the purpose and function was of tears and found this on the one and only WIKIPEDIA!! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crying this can explain it better than I can.

Anyways, I think crying is wonderful. For someone like me who tends to bottle things up, ignore or delay the exasperation of my feelings, crying is like releasing the flood gates and letting all those collected feelings meander out of my system.

The fact that the human body can trigger this hormonal release that is a physical sign tied to a person's emotions is pretty amazing.

I thought I was an invincible tower that only slightly shook at the sign of a storm. No turbulence could vex or faze me. I am used to bouncing back within hours, a day or two at most of being disturbed. But I realize I am just as weak and fragile as anyone else. And... that's okay.

My good friend Shuyin sent me this passage from a book by John Piper, Suffering and the Sovereignty of God:

"God is God. He exerts a high and purposeful sovereignty. But we often misapply God's sovereignty when it comes to actually helping sufferers--both ourselves and others. Here is a common misapplication: "God is in control, therefore what's happening is his will. You need to just trust the Lord and accept it. Ignore your feelings. Remember the truth, gird your loins, and get with the program." Somehow stoic conclusions are fashioned from a most unstoic truth about a most unstoic God!

It's okay to plea with desperation, to lose my cool and to just not know what the freaking hell is going on. I can say more but I think I'm just going to end here and enjoy my peace =)


Saturday, June 27, 2009

My parents

If my dad and mom are away from each other (i.e. one is in Shanghai and the other is in San Jose), one of them will call the other at 3-4pm Pacific time (7-8AM Shanghai time) for updates, small talk and general happenings.

Sometimes one will call the other a few hours later to rant or remark on something interesting.

Just now, my dad called the skype while it was just me on the computer:

"Hey Amber," my dad says in Chinese, "are you going back on Monday?"

"Yes," I reply, "my friend is taking me back."

"Oh okay. Hey get mom over here quick!"

"Uhhh..ok," I yell for my mom to get in the computer room because Dad wants to talk to her.

"Hey!" my dad exclaims really excitedly, "the jam i just opened is moldy!"


Seriously, Dad? You went out of your way to skype mom about moldy Jam?

Funniest/randomnest moment I was a part of all day.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Flipping out

Guess what? My body is flipping out. I got a fever yesterday, probably due to an inflammatory response to the trauma of surgery. Some special website describes it as this:

Fever has several common causes, including an inflammatory response to the trauma of an operation; a high metabolic rate that occurs with the stress of an operation, which causes the body to burn more calories and generate more heat; and infections, such as pneumonia, urinary tract infections, and infections at the operative site. Pneumonia may be prevented by periodically breathing forcefully in and out of a hand-held device (incentive spirometry) and coughing as needed.

I was totally freaking out. All of the sudden I felt semi-delirious and my heartbeat wasn't normal. In my semi-frazzled state I thought I was going to die. I ended up just sleeping for like 12 hours and I think most of the fever is gone My ankle doesnt' even hurt that much anymore!! Hah Amber > Vicodin. I don't need YOU. RAWRWARAWRWAR


Oh, I'm also losing about 1% muscle mass a day from being sofa-ridden for most of the day.

I hope I am neither infected or that my wound is doing funky things.


gahh.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Why I like "Up"



The latest Pixar film "Up" may just have earned its place up there (no pun intended) with my other favorites, the "Toy Story"series and "Finding Nemo." Don't get me wrong, I enjoy ALL Pixar creations. Their magical and clever storylines never cease to amaze me. But this one really touched and stood out to me.

Besides the breathtaking visuals and quarky characters, the storyline and themes were very profound to me. As with other Pixar films, it was a story of friendship and adventure. But what made "Up" so beautiful was how it portrayed the conflict of what to do with your dreams and aspirations when life throws you for a loop and causes you to take a detour. It was such a touching story that highlighted the sponteneity of real life and that these detours, though frustrating and tempting to resist, can lead to wonderful and amazing experiences if one is just willing to try and see.

And, okay I have to admit. I really appreciate the main child character being an Asian kid. Very hip, Pixar, I approve.

Both children and older folk alike can be taught a lesson about the stubbornness of the human will, but also the resilience of the human heart. "Up" was definitely an adventure for the spirit and left me inspired and quite enchanted.

Amber

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Nothing to say

I was going to blog about something... I really was... but I'm. really. really. tired. Maybe tomorrow... or this weekend for sure. I promise.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Self-help

A self-help book might make encouraging claims such as: Believe in yourself. Recognize your abilities. Don't doubt your character. You can do it!

I think it's great that there are books out there that give pretty sound and reasonable advice. They serve a need to tell a generation of people overwhelmed by work, relationships and life to not put so much blame on themselves or take on too much of a burden. However, I was discussing with a friend the other day that the reasons and advice given, although pretty helpful, seem to be missing something important, something deeper.


Is it weak to explain everything by the reason of God? Is it lazy, or unintelligent, or mediocre to say that "the reason blah blah blah is God" or "you have to understand this is happening because of God" ?

I think it'd be, at first thought. I might even be a little annoyed that the person would mention that because it does not clearly address my issue. Stressed about a broken relationship with someone = God. What the freak?

Then again, is letting go of that control and trusting in a good and loving God really the weak thing to do? To be able to let go, to forgive, to have grace, to be Jesus-like, is that the fluffy, naive answer that's basically the easy way out?

How easy is it for me to reconcile? To forgive others they "don't deserve it" or are "being a bitch"? How easy is it for me to say "I'm not going to cry and worry about my future because today has enough of its worries"? How easy is it for me to love myself and be satisfied in my image and my character, when there are obviously so many others before me that seem so much more beautiful and lovable?

It's crazy yes, to say something as outrageous like "I'm giving my life to the Lord" like those fanatics you see on gospel infomercials. But I've started to see that once I recognized that my life is not in my hands and is in God's, I don't have to blame myself for things that go wrong. I can patiently see that getting fired from a job, loneliness and suffering is actually leading to something good...

I don't think I can find in any self-help book the bridge for all these gaps in life. As much as they may offer a temporary fix, the eternal fix I think must rest upon an eternal being. And yes, I'll say it, an eternal God who knows what it's like to suffer and face persecution.

Happy Easter, ya'lls.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Extraordinary

I wonder what it would be like to be extraordinary at something. For instance, if I were an aspiring Mozart who could compose amazing pieces of music, or a really good artist who could render a life-like sketch of anything I saw, or maybe I could throw a football like a beast or be really good at math or something.

But I just happen to be just so-so at a lot of things and extraodinary at... well... I'm pretty quick at peeling shrimp.

I think that's okay though. Perhaps some of our gifts are not the obvious and tangible as a work of art or height of a jump. There are giftings that lie in the "feelings" and "relational" realm. One might be gifted at organizing, at processing information, at helping people understand themselves. Ladeeda, I guess I might be gifted in some of those areas?

On a slightly different note, it's always a wonder to me that each person's life is different, and for that person each step of each day is unique and will never be quite exactly the same as the previous day's. It may be the same "routine" but never the exact same minute, location, climate and feeling... and all those ingredients really add up to a different recipe, don't you think?

I have these weird instances and epiphanies where ordinary life just seems EXTRAORDINARY. Sometimes, I have these epiphanies when I am driving down this street and passing this university I am in, and all the encompassing feelings and thoughts and experiences I have had for almost 4 years so far just hits me. Or when I'm taking a leisurely walk on a beautiful twilight evening and feel the comforting thought that I am living in a house amidst a loving community and during the past 3 years it's been a place I feel really safe and at peace. I realize that the same walk I might have taken last year had such a different shade of life than the one now. And then I guess it's what you call nostalgia that I think back, enjoy the present and also bittersweetly acknowledge the fact that that this time won't be forever.

Oh the future...What an extraordinary adventure you will be.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Sometimes, I just don't know

"Socially retarded" was a phrase someone tried to endearingly call me in middle school. Yeah, it sounds harsh, but she was honestly saying it in the nicest way possible when I shared with her that I felt out of touch with people.

In retrospect, I think I was a a bit lagging behind in my social skills growing up. I remember not even being aware of such things as conduct, conversation and social cues until middle school. I guess one might call it living much in my own little world. It wasn't until I learned what people actually thought about me that I realized I actually cared about such things. And hence,
I was no longer that girl who just played wherever she wanted, followed around whoever she thought would be fun to follow around, said whatever was on her mind, didn't care about image and presentation. My social innocence was forever corrupted by the harsh realities of the teenage realm.

I can't just hang out with whoever, I had to be invited. I can't just wear whatever, I have to make sure I'm wearing some preppy brand from an overpriced store or how else will I be noticed?

It makes me a little sad that I had to be the one who had to think of such things. That this demon followed me around in middle-school and highschool, telling me such lies that if I don't be a certain way, I will forever be rejected. I rebuked that demon 4 years ago, but since then the residual habits and aftershocks still remain.

For instance, though I'm not bothered or plagued by a lot of insecurities I used to have anymore, I still have a lot of issues trusting people. Sometimes, without even realizing it, I will test my friends -- waiting for someone to initiate to confirm their rapport with me, not reminding friend X about our gettogether and waiting to see if he/she will remember to call me.

Who am I?

In a meeting last week with a professor I work for, a colleague of her's asked me to tell me about myself. I starting listing off the usual -- year, major, interests. But looking back, I would have rephrased it and told him this: that I am first believer and follower of Jesus Christ then someone who has a XYZ major and pursuing XYZ career. Before you raise your eyebrows at me, just know that even if you are not a Christian, that description holds a lot of meaning. It means laying down my life and seeking one that puts others above myself and letting go of worries and anxieties. It means that everything I do is not for my glory, but for God's. It means I know that when everything in life is cold and dark, I have the hope of a Saviour that is good and faithful and loves me unconditionally.

Who am I?

Girl with a past dotted with social rejection, girl who loves environmental justice, girl who is lucky to be at a university, this and that. But you should know by now who I am first.