Sometimes, I just don't know

"Socially retarded" was a phrase someone tried to endearingly call me in middle school. Yeah, it sounds harsh, but she was honestly saying it in the nicest way possible when I shared with her that I felt out of touch with people.

In retrospect, I think I was a a bit lagging behind in my social skills growing up. I remember not even being aware of such things as conduct, conversation and social cues until middle school. I guess one might call it living much in my own little world. It wasn't until I learned what people actually thought about me that I realized I actually cared about such things. And hence,
I was no longer that girl who just played wherever she wanted, followed around whoever she thought would be fun to follow around, said whatever was on her mind, didn't care about image and presentation. My social innocence was forever corrupted by the harsh realities of the teenage realm.

I can't just hang out with whoever, I had to be invited. I can't just wear whatever, I have to make sure I'm wearing some preppy brand from an overpriced store or how else will I be noticed?

It makes me a little sad that I had to be the one who had to think of such things. That this demon followed me around in middle-school and highschool, telling me such lies that if I don't be a certain way, I will forever be rejected. I rebuked that demon 4 years ago, but since then the residual habits and aftershocks still remain.

For instance, though I'm not bothered or plagued by a lot of insecurities I used to have anymore, I still have a lot of issues trusting people. Sometimes, without even realizing it, I will test my friends -- waiting for someone to initiate to confirm their rapport with me, not reminding friend X about our gettogether and waiting to see if he/she will remember to call me.

Who am I?

In a meeting last week with a professor I work for, a colleague of her's asked me to tell me about myself. I starting listing off the usual -- year, major, interests. But looking back, I would have rephrased it and told him this: that I am first believer and follower of Jesus Christ then someone who has a XYZ major and pursuing XYZ career. Before you raise your eyebrows at me, just know that even if you are not a Christian, that description holds a lot of meaning. It means laying down my life and seeking one that puts others above myself and letting go of worries and anxieties. It means that everything I do is not for my glory, but for God's. It means I know that when everything in life is cold and dark, I have the hope of a Saviour that is good and faithful and loves me unconditionally.

Who am I?

Girl with a past dotted with social rejection, girl who loves environmental justice, girl who is lucky to be at a university, this and that. But you should know by now who I am first.