Holding it in

This is my take on sharing how you're feeling to others and why holding it in is not healthy.

It might be kind of gross but here it is:

I always imagine that bitterness or frustration over our circumstances is like vomit. It really is meant to come out. Holding it in just makes us feel worse and makes us even more sick. So to those we trust, we don't have to be ashamed of how gross or unappealing our vomit is because they'll love us and not judge us and will get us through our issues.


End of gross metaphor.

Thought processor

I don't really have one particular thing I want to talk about. Here are a few strays that have just been a part of my train of thought.

1) I was driving on 680-N two days ago at about 8pm. it was part twilight part sunset and it was beautiful. Think of dark blues fading into bright aquamarine, swirled in with vibrant red and orange hues. i would've kept staring at it, but i probably would've veered off the side of the road and caused chaos.

2) I think I've given up my stronghold of "not being that kind of person." I think it's an excuse I use to stay comfortable. But usually taking risks and getting rejection is a lot better than not trying at all. This is important when it comes to meeting new people. It is time to expand my horizons a bit!

3) When I am at home I sleep way more and do way less but am way more tired. I think I need to run on a purpose.

4) I can't believe I'm going to be a senior. I am facing the final frontier of college-dom! Arghhh!! I hope this doesn't mean I won't learn anything. My learning-curve is for sure not as steep, but it's exciting to think about what God's got for me this year. I think one of the things is to not hide things. It's still something I struggle with because I don't want people to know the real me cuz the real me is full of defects and mistakes and silliness! But I am a work in progress.

What are you challenged with this days? What are you fruitful in?

~amber

What the Flip do I do?

People who first meet me often ask what I am studying.

In my thoughts, I sigh and reply, "I'm an Agricultural Management and Rangeland Resources major on the Sustainable Production Systems Track."

People stare back at me in perplexity wondering what the heck I just said, "Um, what?" O__o


In truth, I HATE telling people my major. No I'm not ashamed of it or anything -- it's just so long to say and so, so difficult to understand from the name alone. It's not straightforward and simple like Psychology, English or even just saying "I'm Pre-med." But asking what I do and what I want to do takes patience and a real sit-down conversation.

But despite all that, I think it's appropriate how it's just that complicated. Because essentially, my major and field of study IS complicated.

So what DO I do? What AM I studying? I am basically in love with sustainable agriculture and want to work in the community to outreach, educate and provide in ways to improve the food system. This reaches anywhere from parks, schools, hospitals, workplaces, cafeterias, restaurants, farms, grocery stores ladeeda.

No, I do not want to farm. Okay, farming is like totally awesome and I have a deep respect for people who are out there on the land and provide us with nourishment and fresh produce, but my talents and interest do not lie there. My enthusiasm is found working with people, and like I said before, the community. Getting affordable local foods to low-income neighborhoods and families, implementing farm-to-school programs to educate students about the importance of a healthy food system and diet and reshaping the conception of what a park should look like in the form of edible landscaping are all things I want to see happen and be involved with!!

I see a great change and shift in our society towards a more sustainable agriculture and greater food/social justice too and I am very excited to be a part of that.

Does that make sense? :)

Finally you know what I do.

-amber

The elephant that broke my heart... in which I proceeded to kill him

You know how in the last post I said something about my "if I were to fall down then I should be better prepared for it" because I've been learning a lot this summer? Well, I got REALLY sad yesterday. like REALLY REALLY sad. It was as if a 1000 pound elephant was with me the whole day. And all day long it was criticizing me and feeding me lies about how I'm stupid and foolish and not worth anyone's time. Killing it directly was futile and useless .... because it was freaking 1000 pounds, ya dig?

I could imagine how easy it would be to overcome sadness and despair when I'm on the flip side of things. But when I actually find myself there, it's dark and confusing and I don't even know where to start finding my way back. Admittedly, I chose to keep myself there for a while because I was bitter (still am a little) and formulated that if only "X Y or Z" would happen, then that would remedy my pain.

Okay, this is the big shocker. Inside, there's a part of me who is actually the elephant!!! dun dundun! It is this part that basks in that darkness, ashamed of admitting being wrong... of admitting WHAT is wrong.

Come, Tuesday I would have to see people for bible study. Bible study is a good, good thing. The elephant convinced me that I should run away and that biblestudy would only make my problem worse. I went to sleep believing that and came up with all these excuses I could make to run away. Then I remembered, "crap, BBS is at my house. and CRAP I'm leading it too."

No way out.

And then it hit me. What am I doing?? Can I please step out of my skin for a moment and slap myself? Am I really going to let a couple of insignificant problems triumph over what is good for me, and what I love? As easy as running away would be; as close to my selfish nature it would be to formulate excuses and be consumed by bitterness, God is bigger than my problems. Like the Israelites who were led in the wilderness for 40 years, I can't understand why it is happening to me, but His work is all around me as it was for them. He made sure they were fed, that their clothes or shoes did not wear out, that the animals did not harm them.


The elephant has been shot down. (sucka).

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139.

Yum. summer.

Summer is abundant with fresh veggies and fruit. And salad is the perfect way of eating them all at the same time! Can you guess what goodies went into my lunch salad today?


Avocados, nectarines, herb potatoes, salmon, lettuce, kale, bacon (teehee), kohlrabi, grape tomatoes.... all dressed up in a simple olive oil vinaigrette!! Everything was bought from farmers market/coop or picked myself from the student farm :D

Pissed off and bread-like

I got really mad today. If you know me well, you'll know that when I get mad at someone in my family I'm not the usual contained, eloquent me, but I am pretty much harsh and very snappy. I'll swear, I'll yell and I'll snarl. But I'm proud at myself for the way I handled today -- I didn't do any of those things. I guess it's taken 20 years to get used to my mom's outlandish stubbornness and criticisms (my sisters and I like to call it her craziness). Basically, my mom angrily scolded at me and made a big fuss because she thought I had lost the car keys at the grocery stores (they were in one of our shopping bags all along). Granted, it was partly my fault for not paying attention to where I placed them, but it really wasn't her place to accuse me of being irresponsible and "unbelievable." "Will taking her anger out on me really going to get the keys back, mom?"

But despite my very zen-like (or should I say Jesus-like) approach to handling my anger, it was still there. And i took it out on the car and started to drive VERY aggressively on the way back. I sped up to 85 on the highway (i NEVER go past 80) and cut off a lot of cars. Oops. What can I say, I'm a work in progress.


Speaking of which, I came up with this random thought when my mom was making cong you bing yesterday (fried scallion bread). I think people are a lot like bread, or rather, like bread dough. Bread dough, whose elasticity is caused by the gluten of the flour, resists the baker's tugging and shaping until it finally takes on what it is meant to be. Like the dough, we are stretched and molded to conform to what we are meant to be -- what God wants us to be. Sometimes (or rather, many a time) the stubbornness and selfishness in us resists to those changes, but ultimately, our Maker (baker) will do what He intended and we come out beautiful and perfect.


<--- this is not the finished product but all she needs to do it flatten them out and fry them and they're done!










mmmm locquats from my locquat tree!


-a

Tidbits of the weekend

This is the bouganvilla in our backyard. It's my dad's favorite and seeing it in full bloom reminds me of how he ardently takes care of the garden, patiently waits for things to bloom and joyfully smiles at the fruit of his labor and patience.


I did absolutely no homework for the past 2 days. At the moment, I'm pretty nonchalant but I know I'm going to regret it later. Oh well! Onward! Here are some pictures of my weekend, mainly to show my dad (who's currently in Shanghai) some goings on at home. These were all taken in my backyard. 爸爸要的照片




Locquat tree is finally yielding fruit. It's a bit sour, but edible nonetheless.
(雖然還是有點酸﹐我們院子里的批杷還是好吃)
We got this tree from a friend who lives in socal. It took about 4 years to grow fruit.


玫瑰園開得很美.















These pictures are from mother's day. Here you see polenta cake my sister made with strawberries. And of course, you see my mom!


Make sure you show your moms and family a bit of appreciation this weekend.
-Amber