SEX SCENES

Hm, didn't know what to title this post, so I'd thought of something that would catch your eye.

What? It worked, obviously.


So I was watching Avatar today (which is AMAZING by the way. it's been a while since a movie has amazed me so much. i can't help saying this, but Pocahontas/Ferngully on crack, anyone?) and I couldn't help notice that practically every preview I watched had a glimmer of sexual tension or a hint of the act itself in it. One movie preview had the clashing of fire, weapons and armies and sex scene; another had the exciting adventure of treasure seeking, magical tales and myths coming to life and sex scene; and then another captured the suspenseful chase and showcase of how much beating a human body can take when on the run... oh and sex scene. sex scene, sex scene, sex scene. wtf?


Is it so normal and expected, that producers and directors are just like "cool, awesome! The story is great. now let's put ubiquitous sex scene overrr~rrr *closes eyes and waves fingers and points to arbitrary spot on script* THERE." And NOW the previews. Pair up some epic sounding choir music with a lot of bass with a sex scene, and apparently it's supposed to make me want to watch the movie.

We all know how AWKWARD the romance in a lot of action/fantasy movies can be. I think writers a) are fed up trying to make the love speak for itself through high quality dialogue (antiexample: Annakin (looking at Padme): I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth) or b) don't believe that the audience can get the hint or need stronger examples because we're too dense to get it or c) think we actually enjoy watching sex scenes even though it makes it awkward for everyone especially if we're watching with our parents

or maybe it's d) that the sex eduation council wants to send subliminal visual lessons to the people because how else will they learn.


Seriously do other people see it as something to wait out until it's over?? Or treat it as a time where the upper-left hand corner of the movie/tv screen is actually interesting to look at? I don't know what the general consensus of this is, but this loser who can't handle it thinks that it's just this tacky accessory that I think a lot of action/fantasy movies can save a good 2-3 minutes.

And if that's the case, I'm waiting for them go out of date.

I'm out!
Amber

Some words in my head

i see no sign of spring in your december eyes.
with a frosty breath you said the words
that froze the heart that would have
warmed your captive expression.

I can hear the bells...

...For one of my bestest friends, Shuyin!! Yes that's right, Shuyin is going to be the first of my friends to get married and I'm going to be a bridesmaid. Heck yea!! Sea-foam green hideous dress here I come.

Just kidding!! (she's planning to give us the classy and timeless black dress that can be worn over again. oh i love how practical she is :P )

Ding dong the bells are going to chime and I'm going to play a part other than table-sitter and food-eater for one of the most important events of Shuyin and Dave's lives! I am thrilled, excited and utterly joyful for them.

But wow, think about it. This is a wedding. My peer is getting married. Peer = my age. Oh crap, I'm 22 and people start or are currently thinking about this stuff at my age. When the flip did this happen? Me? At the age to get married and getting all serious and stuff? Oh I would rofl if the ground weren't so hard (hardwood floors, you know.)

People know me as the girl who ranked celibacy as #2 for her gifts test (next to #1 Hospitality and #3 Encouragement). I often make the words of Paul in the book of 1 Corinthians as my motto on the issue: "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."

That reminds me of the song shorty fire burnin on the dancefloor, but that's besides the point. Yeah... I don't think I'm really burning with any passion. It's just that... I don't see myself sharing my life with someone else with such a high degree of intimacy. This is MY life, time and space and I am hard-pressed to give that up!! My romantic notions are still pretty juvenile; not unlike the portrayal of love as done by Korean dramas that consist only of the magic of getting to know the person, the cuteness of maybe holding hands and just the loveliness of being liked by someone. There is no getting serious (except those crazy ones where ppl give up their eyeballs for the other person, but that's besides the point.)

So what does that mean for me? Am I to live out the road of singleness as Paul had and to find utter satisfaction and fulfillment in that?

Hmm celibacy -- I've been told that's a pretty special gift. But I wish it came also with the gift of super wisdom.... or flying.. or a $50 giftcard to Trader Joe's. Either one.

They call him ED

Ed is an abbreviated and personified form of the phrase "eating disorder." It is the inner critic inside telling us we're not good enough and we should eat less and aim to look a certain way because of it. 1 in 7 women is said to have an eating disorder in America. Reasons are diverse and often overlapping -- pressure from peers, media, anxiety and depression. It's caused both by having an innate vulnerability to the disease as well as factors from one's environment.

It's a dark and destructive place -- to be consumed by the numbers on the scale and to fear what is meant to be sustenance and nutrition. I've definitely read and seen how Ed grips people in differing degrees of severity. Some women are scared out of their minds to eat and need drugs to calm them down. Others manage to allow themselves nourishment, but are just overly analytical about it.

I remember for myself when I was in that bad place in my life, when sitting down at a restaurant or going grocery shopping would result in an immediate routine dialogue in my head about what's the best choice to eat based on what would make me fat or not: I should only order dishes that would be the least greasy and smallest portions. I cannot buy anything with too much sugar, actually forget buying any snacks at all. How did that all start? I can pinpoint a moment in my junior year of highschool that I looked at myself one day and thought "too fat." And the cutting of portions, the slashing out of sugary and unhealthy snacks, the constant weighing and number counting began.

A good day wasn't a day where I ate delicious foods and had all things in moderation. No, a good day was me being hungry, dizzy and grumpy. What's sad was that despite feeling miserable and anxious all the time of what went in my stomach, I felt proud and accomplished. Each pound lost was a victory of ridding myself the nuisances and despicableness I found in my life. Each pound lost was the finger at Nature, who did not make me thin and beautiful as I would have liked to have been. Even though I was so unhappy with many things in my life, I had the trophies of my weight-control to take comfort in.

But those days are in the past. I was never really diagnosed with an ED, but I'm pretty sure I would have been had I continued down that path. Interestingly, I had gradually gotten myself out of trying to lose weight all the time. It might have been a combining factor of a lot of things -- 1) my tactics to drop the pounds was backfiring and I was just sick of battling myself all the time, 2) i was finding myself less and less anxious about life and more and more blessed at all the new things I was embarking upon in college 3) I like food too much to give a shit anymore.

Honestly though, I still relapse into very negative thoughts about my looks like today when I was trying on clothes at a store. There's something about being in a fitting room with unfamiliar articles of clothing that can make or break a girl's perception of herself. Sizes are so varying and those mirrors are so darn revealing that it's difficult not to listen to Ed who's telling you you should be X pounds less so you can fit into certain things better.

I really hope one day I can just not care anymore. I really hope to not have to care about such superficial concerns and not to wastefully let it take precedence in my thoughts and attention. I really hope to make the inner critic in me STFU while it's screaming all the regrets I should be having for what I ate dinner or how I should look like. I really hope to listen to only what the real me is saying.

After reading this article and video I was just floored by how controlling and destructive Ed is.

It's such a inward-focused mentality and it's so so sad that many talented and brilliant people just can't be themselves anymore because Ed is consuming them and letting them waste away. I hope everyone can realize how there's so much more to life than caring to look "pretty enough" or "thin enough." it's not worth the time and feelings and anxiety and thought energy!

Almost FML

Hello all! It's SO cold. It was actually supposed to snow, but it just ended up being rainy, cold and wet. blah. AnyWAYS. My dad had spent an extra 1.4K to fly home from a middle of a business trip to see my graduation. Yesterday I realized I didn't register or commencement. FML. ORRR WAS IT??

Freaking mercy was shown on me and the lady in charge says I'm still eligible. Damn dude, talk about living on the edge. I felt invincible when I got the greenlight. But then I lost a glove. Oh well, life's give and take i guess =)

Thought I would give a bit of a food update, since I haven't in a while. And quite honestly I haven't been making that much interesting stuff, just korean soups, lots of veggies, squashes, pumpkins and lots of nut butters. But today I thought I would make lunch a little special!!!

Almost ALL of the ingredients in my lunch were locally grown/from a farmer's market/veggie basket!!

Screams fall salad -- cabbage, squash and apples from the farmers market, arugula from the CSA, persimmons from somebody's yard, blue cheese from nugget and pecans from trader joe's. Dressing was made with lime from farmers market and a bit of apple cider for sweetness. SO GOOD.

The cabbage I got from the FM was SO HUGE, like a foot in diameter or something and only $1.50 for the whole thing! It's also surprisingly super sweet, unlike any cabbage i've ever had before.

Pumpkin tortilla from FM and eggs from a Davis producer. I think I like very orangey foods at the moment :)

Okay enjoy that food for thought. hope it inspires you to make something delicious and fresh as well! (some of you are like, GIRL i ain't got no time for this).

:) Amber

Autumn date

Tuesdays are supposed to be one of the most stress free days this quarter -- I only have taichi in the morning! Usually, though, I end up having to run errands or meet up with people, so I actually don't have as much time to really sit around and be bored as I thought. I actually noticed that my afternoon/evening that day until small group has been pretty free and people-less for the most part and I've been using them to soak in the crisp, beautiful scenes of fall all bundled up in my cold-weather wardrobe. Mmm so nice!

I like to stroll downtown near sunset and notice picturesque trees against the backdrop of glowing skies and smudges of clouds. It's nice hearing the sounds of conversations passing you by and the wind rustling the leaves. Some people have a really great fall fashion styles! I like sitting in cozy cafes, sipping on too much tea and noticing the different people around me. I like to make up conversations for the ones I can't hear: an older couple where the man is telling her that she's joy and light in his life; or a mom and daughter making strides in their growing relationship.

There's something about walking downtown by yourself on any old fall day that is beautiful and oddly romantic. I get to notice all these details at my pace, get lost in my thoughts and muse about the things around me. Ah, yup. Methinks there's nothing like a date with yourself. Do you find that strange? :)

Amber