Like a parasitic leach...

Like a soft, warm towel that gently smothers and dulls the senses. Four walls and silence that all the more scream out the solitude and hopelessness of my limitation. Where do I go? nowhere. Who do I see? No one. What do I want to do? Nothing, just keep on sleeping. Anything to make a dent in the endless detestable excess of time I have.

The parasitic leach punctures my soul and takes, takes, takes and drains me until it's fat and satisfied. In anaesthesic heaviness of spirit, I stagger into a smaller space, a closet -- a tactic I would resort to as a child when I felt lost or angry. Being in this little area all to myself helps me focus inwardly more easily, helps me deal.

What a child indeed. I long for something, some relief from this darkness, but at the same time so enticed by the darkness. The devils of my brokenness delight in triumph as they gorge themselves on my weakness; up until now too scared to come out in the searing brightness of hope. Hope?! Where do you go, why do you hide your face from me. I am lost, I am lost. Come back and help me find my way.

A parasitic leach is what I would describe my afternoon-evening depression episode yesterday. I think I should stop taking naps, or at least, naps that last over one hour because I wake up and it's all bad from there. Somehow, coffee has been giving me some energy and boost of liveliness, so perhaps at the end of this recovery I'll be a caffeine addict who hates naps.

Anyways, that italicized bit from above sounds pretty dark and depressing huh? I was musing to myself while I sat in that closet that HMM, it would really be great to have some person at this time of recovering from my surgery who would be by my side 24/7 to take me to go wherever and do whatever I wanted. Friends are good too, but I can't expect them to drop their plans for the benefit of my own amusement. Yeah, someone like a personal assistant... or a boyfriend!! Probably the former because they're paid and would do a better job at making me feel better (or a personal assistant that's my boyfriend? ok that's just crazy).

But it was honestly how I felt yesterday and honestly, I feel better now just waking up to a new day and writing that out. But I know I have to be careful. I know I have to continue to trust in God and be good about giving over my broken spirit over to Him because this shit just escalates into more and more negativity until I really do let the darkness triumph over letting God's hope and love in.

I am weak. I do not have it all together. That shouldn't be so much of a surprise though x)