They call him ED

Ed is an abbreviated and personified form of the phrase "eating disorder." It is the inner critic inside telling us we're not good enough and we should eat less and aim to look a certain way because of it. 1 in 7 women is said to have an eating disorder in America. Reasons are diverse and often overlapping -- pressure from peers, media, anxiety and depression. It's caused both by having an innate vulnerability to the disease as well as factors from one's environment.

It's a dark and destructive place -- to be consumed by the numbers on the scale and to fear what is meant to be sustenance and nutrition. I've definitely read and seen how Ed grips people in differing degrees of severity. Some women are scared out of their minds to eat and need drugs to calm them down. Others manage to allow themselves nourishment, but are just overly analytical about it.

I remember for myself when I was in that bad place in my life, when sitting down at a restaurant or going grocery shopping would result in an immediate routine dialogue in my head about what's the best choice to eat based on what would make me fat or not: I should only order dishes that would be the least greasy and smallest portions. I cannot buy anything with too much sugar, actually forget buying any snacks at all. How did that all start? I can pinpoint a moment in my junior year of highschool that I looked at myself one day and thought "too fat." And the cutting of portions, the slashing out of sugary and unhealthy snacks, the constant weighing and number counting began.

A good day wasn't a day where I ate delicious foods and had all things in moderation. No, a good day was me being hungry, dizzy and grumpy. What's sad was that despite feeling miserable and anxious all the time of what went in my stomach, I felt proud and accomplished. Each pound lost was a victory of ridding myself the nuisances and despicableness I found in my life. Each pound lost was the finger at Nature, who did not make me thin and beautiful as I would have liked to have been. Even though I was so unhappy with many things in my life, I had the trophies of my weight-control to take comfort in.

But those days are in the past. I was never really diagnosed with an ED, but I'm pretty sure I would have been had I continued down that path. Interestingly, I had gradually gotten myself out of trying to lose weight all the time. It might have been a combining factor of a lot of things -- 1) my tactics to drop the pounds was backfiring and I was just sick of battling myself all the time, 2) i was finding myself less and less anxious about life and more and more blessed at all the new things I was embarking upon in college 3) I like food too much to give a shit anymore.

Honestly though, I still relapse into very negative thoughts about my looks like today when I was trying on clothes at a store. There's something about being in a fitting room with unfamiliar articles of clothing that can make or break a girl's perception of herself. Sizes are so varying and those mirrors are so darn revealing that it's difficult not to listen to Ed who's telling you you should be X pounds less so you can fit into certain things better.

I really hope one day I can just not care anymore. I really hope to not have to care about such superficial concerns and not to wastefully let it take precedence in my thoughts and attention. I really hope to make the inner critic in me STFU while it's screaming all the regrets I should be having for what I ate dinner or how I should look like. I really hope to listen to only what the real me is saying.

After reading this article and video I was just floored by how controlling and destructive Ed is.

It's such a inward-focused mentality and it's so so sad that many talented and brilliant people just can't be themselves anymore because Ed is consuming them and letting them waste away. I hope everyone can realize how there's so much more to life than caring to look "pretty enough" or "thin enough." it's not worth the time and feelings and anxiety and thought energy!

Almost FML

Hello all! It's SO cold. It was actually supposed to snow, but it just ended up being rainy, cold and wet. blah. AnyWAYS. My dad had spent an extra 1.4K to fly home from a middle of a business trip to see my graduation. Yesterday I realized I didn't register or commencement. FML. ORRR WAS IT??

Freaking mercy was shown on me and the lady in charge says I'm still eligible. Damn dude, talk about living on the edge. I felt invincible when I got the greenlight. But then I lost a glove. Oh well, life's give and take i guess =)

Thought I would give a bit of a food update, since I haven't in a while. And quite honestly I haven't been making that much interesting stuff, just korean soups, lots of veggies, squashes, pumpkins and lots of nut butters. But today I thought I would make lunch a little special!!!

Almost ALL of the ingredients in my lunch were locally grown/from a farmer's market/veggie basket!!

Screams fall salad -- cabbage, squash and apples from the farmers market, arugula from the CSA, persimmons from somebody's yard, blue cheese from nugget and pecans from trader joe's. Dressing was made with lime from farmers market and a bit of apple cider for sweetness. SO GOOD.

The cabbage I got from the FM was SO HUGE, like a foot in diameter or something and only $1.50 for the whole thing! It's also surprisingly super sweet, unlike any cabbage i've ever had before.

Pumpkin tortilla from FM and eggs from a Davis producer. I think I like very orangey foods at the moment :)

Okay enjoy that food for thought. hope it inspires you to make something delicious and fresh as well! (some of you are like, GIRL i ain't got no time for this).

:) Amber

Autumn date

Tuesdays are supposed to be one of the most stress free days this quarter -- I only have taichi in the morning! Usually, though, I end up having to run errands or meet up with people, so I actually don't have as much time to really sit around and be bored as I thought. I actually noticed that my afternoon/evening that day until small group has been pretty free and people-less for the most part and I've been using them to soak in the crisp, beautiful scenes of fall all bundled up in my cold-weather wardrobe. Mmm so nice!

I like to stroll downtown near sunset and notice picturesque trees against the backdrop of glowing skies and smudges of clouds. It's nice hearing the sounds of conversations passing you by and the wind rustling the leaves. Some people have a really great fall fashion styles! I like sitting in cozy cafes, sipping on too much tea and noticing the different people around me. I like to make up conversations for the ones I can't hear: an older couple where the man is telling her that she's joy and light in his life; or a mom and daughter making strides in their growing relationship.

There's something about walking downtown by yourself on any old fall day that is beautiful and oddly romantic. I get to notice all these details at my pace, get lost in my thoughts and muse about the things around me. Ah, yup. Methinks there's nothing like a date with yourself. Do you find that strange? :)

Amber

Designer Amber is in the hizzzzouse

I have been inspired by fashion lately to make stuff like... OWL PILLOWS and little ornaments!!!

More to come!! I'm also trying to spruce up this really bland gray blazer that's been in my sister's closet for a while. It seems that all this creativity is making this weekend pretty jazzzy. Haha never thought I had it in me to use a sewing machine (on the owl pillow!).

What the devil says to me

Dude amber, what's your problem girl? Why are your recent posts so dark and ambiguously EMO. You're not usually like this are you? When I first met you, I thought you were cheerful with a sunny disposition. Now, reading this and getting to know you more, you seem to be more of the partly cloudy type most days.

I guess I'm a little disappointed. I remember you used to be pretty optimistic and fun to be around. Now, it seems like you have ISSUES. No, don't tell me what they are -- I only have time for the fun and happy Amber, or big and juicy issues like boys and friend drama. Your troubles wear me out. They're just your mundane insecurities that are not only tedious to explain, but tedious to listen to also. Everyone has these and YOU should just get over them.

Speaking of big and juicy issues, why aren't you more x y or z? If you look at girl A, she's got a lot going for her. People love her and she is just so naturally loving. Why aren't you more like that?

Or don't you ever doubt yourself because you are lacking a lot of things? I think you really should look at why you aren't successful or have certain things and change them because it must have something to do with who you are... which isn't really all that great.

And because of your not so great self, you are kind of just there taking up space. See, even that person you thought you could rely on and that person you thought you were tight with don't even want you around. You try to share with them what's on your mind, and they change the subject and don't even acknowledge or try to understand you. They make what you're going through seem insignificant and not worth listening to. Oh yeah, that's because they are.

You should just stay and forget about trying to do anything good because it's not like you are going to succeed anyway. Well, anyhoos. Thought that I'd let you know what was on my mind. I'll be back soon, don't worry. We have a LOT more to talk about.

Your only friend,
The devil.

Zits in life

I remember back in middle school, I was a dorky, awkward kid with pimples and questionable taste in wardrobe. At that time, my complexion was the bane of my existence -- I always had a zit somewhere, or a constant cluster in an area on my face that kinda never went away. I would apply zit creams and face masks, but only to come out with nil results. So I eventually just accepted it, I would never be zit free and clear of complexion troubles.

Luckily, I've grown out of that face. However, I feel like these days how ever more mature than I was back then, I'm experiencing a period of spiritual/emotional puberty. Basically, my challenges are like my zits.. just as that one really tough and stubborn one would go away, another would appear somewhere else. I apologize if I'm not myself lately. I feel like God's just been breaking me down over and over and I'm more often than not just really emotionally drained. I spend a lot of energy living in those dark moments and spend yet more energy trying to find the light again, and by the end of the day I'm too tired to deal with anything more. I think my expression and overall demeanor seem different and I find myself having less patience and willingness to do that happy and self-confident performance I used to do so well.

I am starting to characterize this season of my life as a time of personal humility and really looking into myself. I think last year was a time of my life where I grew by pouring out and investing in relationships. This year, I feel more of a pull to invest in, well, myself. To work on areas that God is showing me how weak and broken I am in and yet how much I am loved and cared for nonetheless. I am looking forward to this challenge and am reminded of Job 23:10:

But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.

Amber Ma

Vegetables!

My friend and I are subscribing to a CSA from Full Circle Farm. CSA stands for community supported agriculture and it's basically a weekly or every other weekly basket from a local farm. Today was our first basket!! And it was seriously like Christmas or something we were so excited hahaha. In the basket were all sorts of peppers, eggplants, tomatillos, REALLY AMAZING cherry tomatoes and an adorable watermelon that you see in that there picture.

I'm really happy to be supporting super local and seasonal eating and it's all in my life-time resolution of eating better and eco-friendly. I'm thinking of also going "most-time" vegetarian. i.e. I'll cook vegetarian for myself and eat meat only on occasion like if it is offered to me at a friends house :). Wee~ Have a wonderful weekend ya'lls!