The elephant that broke my heart... in which I proceeded to kill him

You know how in the last post I said something about my "if I were to fall down then I should be better prepared for it" because I've been learning a lot this summer? Well, I got REALLY sad yesterday. like REALLY REALLY sad. It was as if a 1000 pound elephant was with me the whole day. And all day long it was criticizing me and feeding me lies about how I'm stupid and foolish and not worth anyone's time. Killing it directly was futile and useless .... because it was freaking 1000 pounds, ya dig?

I could imagine how easy it would be to overcome sadness and despair when I'm on the flip side of things. But when I actually find myself there, it's dark and confusing and I don't even know where to start finding my way back. Admittedly, I chose to keep myself there for a while because I was bitter (still am a little) and formulated that if only "X Y or Z" would happen, then that would remedy my pain.

Okay, this is the big shocker. Inside, there's a part of me who is actually the elephant!!! dun dundun! It is this part that basks in that darkness, ashamed of admitting being wrong... of admitting WHAT is wrong.

Come, Tuesday I would have to see people for bible study. Bible study is a good, good thing. The elephant convinced me that I should run away and that biblestudy would only make my problem worse. I went to sleep believing that and came up with all these excuses I could make to run away. Then I remembered, "crap, BBS is at my house. and CRAP I'm leading it too."

No way out.

And then it hit me. What am I doing?? Can I please step out of my skin for a moment and slap myself? Am I really going to let a couple of insignificant problems triumph over what is good for me, and what I love? As easy as running away would be; as close to my selfish nature it would be to formulate excuses and be consumed by bitterness, God is bigger than my problems. Like the Israelites who were led in the wilderness for 40 years, I can't understand why it is happening to me, but His work is all around me as it was for them. He made sure they were fed, that their clothes or shoes did not wear out, that the animals did not harm them.


The elephant has been shot down. (sucka).

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139.