Nothing to say

I was going to blog about something... I really was... but I'm. really. really. tired. Maybe tomorrow... or this weekend for sure. I promise.

Self-help

A self-help book might make encouraging claims such as: Believe in yourself. Recognize your abilities. Don't doubt your character. You can do it!

I think it's great that there are books out there that give pretty sound and reasonable advice. They serve a need to tell a generation of people overwhelmed by work, relationships and life to not put so much blame on themselves or take on too much of a burden. However, I was discussing with a friend the other day that the reasons and advice given, although pretty helpful, seem to be missing something important, something deeper.


Is it weak to explain everything by the reason of God? Is it lazy, or unintelligent, or mediocre to say that "the reason blah blah blah is God" or "you have to understand this is happening because of God" ?

I think it'd be, at first thought. I might even be a little annoyed that the person would mention that because it does not clearly address my issue. Stressed about a broken relationship with someone = God. What the freak?

Then again, is letting go of that control and trusting in a good and loving God really the weak thing to do? To be able to let go, to forgive, to have grace, to be Jesus-like, is that the fluffy, naive answer that's basically the easy way out?

How easy is it for me to reconcile? To forgive others they "don't deserve it" or are "being a bitch"? How easy is it for me to say "I'm not going to cry and worry about my future because today has enough of its worries"? How easy is it for me to love myself and be satisfied in my image and my character, when there are obviously so many others before me that seem so much more beautiful and lovable?

It's crazy yes, to say something as outrageous like "I'm giving my life to the Lord" like those fanatics you see on gospel infomercials. But I've started to see that once I recognized that my life is not in my hands and is in God's, I don't have to blame myself for things that go wrong. I can patiently see that getting fired from a job, loneliness and suffering is actually leading to something good...

I don't think I can find in any self-help book the bridge for all these gaps in life. As much as they may offer a temporary fix, the eternal fix I think must rest upon an eternal being. And yes, I'll say it, an eternal God who knows what it's like to suffer and face persecution.

Happy Easter, ya'lls.

Extraordinary

I wonder what it would be like to be extraordinary at something. For instance, if I were an aspiring Mozart who could compose amazing pieces of music, or a really good artist who could render a life-like sketch of anything I saw, or maybe I could throw a football like a beast or be really good at math or something.

But I just happen to be just so-so at a lot of things and extraodinary at... well... I'm pretty quick at peeling shrimp.

I think that's okay though. Perhaps some of our gifts are not the obvious and tangible as a work of art or height of a jump. There are giftings that lie in the "feelings" and "relational" realm. One might be gifted at organizing, at processing information, at helping people understand themselves. Ladeeda, I guess I might be gifted in some of those areas?

On a slightly different note, it's always a wonder to me that each person's life is different, and for that person each step of each day is unique and will never be quite exactly the same as the previous day's. It may be the same "routine" but never the exact same minute, location, climate and feeling... and all those ingredients really add up to a different recipe, don't you think?

I have these weird instances and epiphanies where ordinary life just seems EXTRAORDINARY. Sometimes, I have these epiphanies when I am driving down this street and passing this university I am in, and all the encompassing feelings and thoughts and experiences I have had for almost 4 years so far just hits me. Or when I'm taking a leisurely walk on a beautiful twilight evening and feel the comforting thought that I am living in a house amidst a loving community and during the past 3 years it's been a place I feel really safe and at peace. I realize that the same walk I might have taken last year had such a different shade of life than the one now. And then I guess it's what you call nostalgia that I think back, enjoy the present and also bittersweetly acknowledge the fact that that this time won't be forever.

Oh the future...What an extraordinary adventure you will be.

Sometimes, I just don't know

"Socially retarded" was a phrase someone tried to endearingly call me in middle school. Yeah, it sounds harsh, but she was honestly saying it in the nicest way possible when I shared with her that I felt out of touch with people.

In retrospect, I think I was a a bit lagging behind in my social skills growing up. I remember not even being aware of such things as conduct, conversation and social cues until middle school. I guess one might call it living much in my own little world. It wasn't until I learned what people actually thought about me that I realized I actually cared about such things. And hence,
I was no longer that girl who just played wherever she wanted, followed around whoever she thought would be fun to follow around, said whatever was on her mind, didn't care about image and presentation. My social innocence was forever corrupted by the harsh realities of the teenage realm.

I can't just hang out with whoever, I had to be invited. I can't just wear whatever, I have to make sure I'm wearing some preppy brand from an overpriced store or how else will I be noticed?

It makes me a little sad that I had to be the one who had to think of such things. That this demon followed me around in middle-school and highschool, telling me such lies that if I don't be a certain way, I will forever be rejected. I rebuked that demon 4 years ago, but since then the residual habits and aftershocks still remain.

For instance, though I'm not bothered or plagued by a lot of insecurities I used to have anymore, I still have a lot of issues trusting people. Sometimes, without even realizing it, I will test my friends -- waiting for someone to initiate to confirm their rapport with me, not reminding friend X about our gettogether and waiting to see if he/she will remember to call me.

Who am I?

In a meeting last week with a professor I work for, a colleague of her's asked me to tell me about myself. I starting listing off the usual -- year, major, interests. But looking back, I would have rephrased it and told him this: that I am first believer and follower of Jesus Christ then someone who has a XYZ major and pursuing XYZ career. Before you raise your eyebrows at me, just know that even if you are not a Christian, that description holds a lot of meaning. It means laying down my life and seeking one that puts others above myself and letting go of worries and anxieties. It means that everything I do is not for my glory, but for God's. It means I know that when everything in life is cold and dark, I have the hope of a Saviour that is good and faithful and loves me unconditionally.

Who am I?

Girl with a past dotted with social rejection, girl who loves environmental justice, girl who is lucky to be at a university, this and that. But you should know by now who I am first.

Holding it in

This is my take on sharing how you're feeling to others and why holding it in is not healthy.

It might be kind of gross but here it is:

I always imagine that bitterness or frustration over our circumstances is like vomit. It really is meant to come out. Holding it in just makes us feel worse and makes us even more sick. So to those we trust, we don't have to be ashamed of how gross or unappealing our vomit is because they'll love us and not judge us and will get us through our issues.


End of gross metaphor.

Thought processor

I don't really have one particular thing I want to talk about. Here are a few strays that have just been a part of my train of thought.

1) I was driving on 680-N two days ago at about 8pm. it was part twilight part sunset and it was beautiful. Think of dark blues fading into bright aquamarine, swirled in with vibrant red and orange hues. i would've kept staring at it, but i probably would've veered off the side of the road and caused chaos.

2) I think I've given up my stronghold of "not being that kind of person." I think it's an excuse I use to stay comfortable. But usually taking risks and getting rejection is a lot better than not trying at all. This is important when it comes to meeting new people. It is time to expand my horizons a bit!

3) When I am at home I sleep way more and do way less but am way more tired. I think I need to run on a purpose.

4) I can't believe I'm going to be a senior. I am facing the final frontier of college-dom! Arghhh!! I hope this doesn't mean I won't learn anything. My learning-curve is for sure not as steep, but it's exciting to think about what God's got for me this year. I think one of the things is to not hide things. It's still something I struggle with because I don't want people to know the real me cuz the real me is full of defects and mistakes and silliness! But I am a work in progress.

What are you challenged with this days? What are you fruitful in?

~amber

What the Flip do I do?

People who first meet me often ask what I am studying.

In my thoughts, I sigh and reply, "I'm an Agricultural Management and Rangeland Resources major on the Sustainable Production Systems Track."

People stare back at me in perplexity wondering what the heck I just said, "Um, what?" O__o


In truth, I HATE telling people my major. No I'm not ashamed of it or anything -- it's just so long to say and so, so difficult to understand from the name alone. It's not straightforward and simple like Psychology, English or even just saying "I'm Pre-med." But asking what I do and what I want to do takes patience and a real sit-down conversation.

But despite all that, I think it's appropriate how it's just that complicated. Because essentially, my major and field of study IS complicated.

So what DO I do? What AM I studying? I am basically in love with sustainable agriculture and want to work in the community to outreach, educate and provide in ways to improve the food system. This reaches anywhere from parks, schools, hospitals, workplaces, cafeterias, restaurants, farms, grocery stores ladeeda.

No, I do not want to farm. Okay, farming is like totally awesome and I have a deep respect for people who are out there on the land and provide us with nourishment and fresh produce, but my talents and interest do not lie there. My enthusiasm is found working with people, and like I said before, the community. Getting affordable local foods to low-income neighborhoods and families, implementing farm-to-school programs to educate students about the importance of a healthy food system and diet and reshaping the conception of what a park should look like in the form of edible landscaping are all things I want to see happen and be involved with!!

I see a great change and shift in our society towards a more sustainable agriculture and greater food/social justice too and I am very excited to be a part of that.

Does that make sense? :)

Finally you know what I do.

-amber