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My way… My way or the highway.
4 years ago
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Identity
My identity consists of concrete facts -- age, date of birth, hair color, eye color, ethnicity. These are things that are undisputed and invariable. And then there are those other parts.
This 2010 has been a challenging year. Sometimes, I would relish in the freedom that was rewarded to me at graduation. Sometimes, I would wonder if I was a manic depressive. Sometimes, I would enjoy my youthful zest for adventures. Sometimes, I was just confused about who I am.
I think my Hawaii work trip provided something so far away from anything familiar, that it allowed me the space to reflect anew. It allowed me to live in a foreign context -- a perfect environment for clear self discoveries and breakthroughs in my identity.
Who I am. How I see myself. How others see me. I think these are all interrelated, shared and working together.
Sometimes I don't see something that's there.
Sometimes I see something that's not really there.
My identity is dynamic. Whether it is my own doing or the doing of my environment, I am constantly being shaped, moulded and revamped. I realized that as much as the identity is self-made and manipulated, so much of it is also out of our hands. There are some attributes that no matter what I try to do, will always be there or require time and experience to evolve. I will always be XYZ unless I painfully extract that part out. I don't think it was until really recently that I could accept that where I am is OK. That I don't have to be the ideal person and to just ... BE.
It's a good place to be :). And I hope to bring this outlook to the new places in life I will go...
This 2010 has been a challenging year. Sometimes, I would relish in the freedom that was rewarded to me at graduation. Sometimes, I would wonder if I was a manic depressive. Sometimes, I would enjoy my youthful zest for adventures. Sometimes, I was just confused about who I am.
I think my Hawaii work trip provided something so far away from anything familiar, that it allowed me the space to reflect anew. It allowed me to live in a foreign context -- a perfect environment for clear self discoveries and breakthroughs in my identity.
Who I am. How I see myself. How others see me. I think these are all interrelated, shared and working together.
Sometimes I don't see something that's there.
Sometimes I see something that's not really there.
My identity is dynamic. Whether it is my own doing or the doing of my environment, I am constantly being shaped, moulded and revamped. I realized that as much as the identity is self-made and manipulated, so much of it is also out of our hands. There are some attributes that no matter what I try to do, will always be there or require time and experience to evolve. I will always be XYZ unless I painfully extract that part out. I don't think it was until really recently that I could accept that where I am is OK. That I don't have to be the ideal person and to just ... BE.
It's a good place to be :). And I hope to bring this outlook to the new places in life I will go...
Monday, March 22, 2010
Food
Grocery shopping is one of my favorite things to do. There's something about being in a place where the realm of possibilities for what I'll cook that week utterly delights me. When I go to the grocery store, I'm thankful that I can choose what I want out of thousands of choices, hundreds of brands and millions of tastes. Not everyone in the world has the same luxury as me, and yesterday, nothing struck me more to that reality than a book I stumbled upon at the Co-op -- Hungry Planet. This book is a photographic and journalistic documentary about what a family in every part of the world eats for a week, including cost and many other amazing facts.
Fascinating, surprising and upsetting. My reaction to the book was just a more tangible reminder that me choosing the organic apple over the conventional one, or trying out almond butter over peanut, or wanting curry and then pasta and then sushi in that particular order is a luxury! I felt it ironic that I was just in the middle of thinking about my week's menu when I stumbled upon the book, in which it first froze me in guilt (I contemplated eating rice and cabbage for the whole week after seeing the food pictures from Africa) and then left me in deep, contemplative gratitude.
It's eye-opening, but not surprising that the developed world spends some $200-$300+ on food a week and that the developing nations spend anywhere from $1.23 (in Chad) to under $100. It's also a little bit a conundrum that Americans have the greatest variety, but truly eat the greatest amount of crap. Packaged, processed, convenient.
Ecuador -- USA -- Mexico --
Now, it'll be tempting for me to cry out in fury and indignation and just eat crackers for the rest of my life, but what would that prove? I realized that yes, I am in a place of abundance and yes, I'll never truly know what it's like to be in want. I think I used to just feel guilty and spoiled for those things. But feeling that way does no one any good! I believe it's about being grateful and not wasting or complaining and just making sound choices that can honor being so blessed.
Fascinating, surprising and upsetting. My reaction to the book was just a more tangible reminder that me choosing the organic apple over the conventional one, or trying out almond butter over peanut, or wanting curry and then pasta and then sushi in that particular order is a luxury! I felt it ironic that I was just in the middle of thinking about my week's menu when I stumbled upon the book, in which it first froze me in guilt (I contemplated eating rice and cabbage for the whole week after seeing the food pictures from Africa) and then left me in deep, contemplative gratitude.
It's eye-opening, but not surprising that the developed world spends some $200-$300+ on food a week and that the developing nations spend anywhere from $1.23 (in Chad) to under $100. It's also a little bit a conundrum that Americans have the greatest variety, but truly eat the greatest amount of crap. Packaged, processed, convenient.
Ecuador -- USA -- Mexico --
Now, it'll be tempting for me to cry out in fury and indignation and just eat crackers for the rest of my life, but what would that prove? I realized that yes, I am in a place of abundance and yes, I'll never truly know what it's like to be in want. I think I used to just feel guilty and spoiled for those things. But feeling that way does no one any good! I believe it's about being grateful and not wasting or complaining and just making sound choices that can honor being so blessed.
Interesting!
I look at this really cool fashion photoblog called The Sartorialist and today I saw some pictures of MEN IN SKIRTS! It's mind boggling haha. I'll let you form your own opinions about this:
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Dumpling soup
Today at my internship we made a dumpling soup. Except it was nothing like the kind my mom makes, where things are impeccably and delicately seasoned with the ubiquitous ginger, garlic, green onion and sesame found in chinese cooking. No, the recipe we used was an odd matching of east meets west -- the soup contained the loud pronounced flavors of things you'd find in western stews mixed in with the dark sassiness of chinese soysauce (I couldn't help but notice how much it tasted and smelled like Thanksgiving stuffing!). The dumpling filling was more like a stirfry, a cacophonous poem of chopped up leafy greens and carrots completely uncharacteristic of a true, chinese dumpling. It was... good, but definitely different.
Me with my metaphorical thinking couldn't help but draw the link between this soup and my identity. A chinese-american girl whose insides are familiar to the recipe of her heritage, but also have the influence of the western ingredients from the "stuffing-esque" soup I reside in. I'm reminiscent, but just not exactly what I'm "supposed" to be. Neither chinese or american, my generation is that of its own -- one where our spoken linguistics are predominately fluent in english but still a little funny, and one where we understand the choppy "chinglish" more than the quick-tongued rapidfire mandarin you hear on the chinese news.
It's nothing to be ashamed of. Sure, that culture doesn't follow the recipe of old and it's not always easy to fit in (native asians are too asian, whites can be too white), but I think something special lies in such harmony of flavors, perse. Even though language and mannerisms may be diluted throughout the generations once in another country, I think one thing is for sure -- food stays the same. My 4th generation chinese roommate is a testimony to that. She knows donggua soup and stir-fried mi-fen (stirfried ricenoodles) as normal family foodfare. Now, I may not make that dumpling soup everrr again, but I will definitely pass on what cooking wisdom my mom's given to me to my friends or nieces or potential adopted children (ha). And THAT, is a delicious fact.
Me with my metaphorical thinking couldn't help but draw the link between this soup and my identity. A chinese-american girl whose insides are familiar to the recipe of her heritage, but also have the influence of the western ingredients from the "stuffing-esque" soup I reside in. I'm reminiscent, but just not exactly what I'm "supposed" to be. Neither chinese or american, my generation is that of its own -- one where our spoken linguistics are predominately fluent in english but still a little funny, and one where we understand the choppy "chinglish" more than the quick-tongued rapidfire mandarin you hear on the chinese news.
It's nothing to be ashamed of. Sure, that culture doesn't follow the recipe of old and it's not always easy to fit in (native asians are too asian, whites can be too white), but I think something special lies in such harmony of flavors, perse. Even though language and mannerisms may be diluted throughout the generations once in another country, I think one thing is for sure -- food stays the same. My 4th generation chinese roommate is a testimony to that. She knows donggua soup and stir-fried mi-fen (stirfried ricenoodles) as normal family foodfare. Now, I may not make that dumpling soup everrr again, but I will definitely pass on what cooking wisdom my mom's given to me to my friends or nieces or potential adopted children (ha). And THAT, is a delicious fact.
Monday, March 8, 2010
03/08/10. monday
Even a beautiful day like this, do the shadows creep inward like a parasitic infection. I am sick, infected with bouts of restlessness -- eyelids heavy, muscles weary, voice faint, spirit dry, soul longing. Where are you, where are you? You are supposed to bring peace to my madness, you are supposed to provide the refuge, the rest, the joy.
I don't want to live to just see the days pass, to watch the hours of the clock increase in number, for the sky to go dark, for time to eat, to sleep, to rise, to fall.
I try to flee. I try to flee the worry, the shame, the rage. I run for something -- far, and away. I run and flee. But how do you get away from yourself?
I don't want to live to just see the days pass, to watch the hours of the clock increase in number, for the sky to go dark, for time to eat, to sleep, to rise, to fall.
I try to flee. I try to flee the worry, the shame, the rage. I run for something -- far, and away. I run and flee. But how do you get away from yourself?
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Justin Beiber
At first when I heard him, I was like "who is this annoying little prepubescent teenybopper?"
But I think I'm diggin' his jams. Yes, I endorse this young musician and as many people are like "dude he sounds like he's 12 what a n00b" I actually think he's a breath of fresh air amidst all the vulgar lyrics about "hotel motels" and how "she's all upon me screamin' yeahhhhh".
I mean I've had an up and down relationship w/ rap and hip hop. I love the beats, but the lyrics are just so gross these days it's not easy to listen to it seriously without shaking my head. It's an open-forum most of the time to degrade and oversexualize females.
But w/ Mr. Beiber, even the usual durrrtay-lyriced rap stars featured on his songs are singing very nice and respectful things about females.
You take my breathe away, with every thing
You say. I just wanna be with you my baby,
My baby, ohhh. My miss don’t play no games,
Treats you no other way, that you deserve,
Cause you’re the girl of my dreams.
Now that's pretty cute, yes? :)
But I think I'm diggin' his jams. Yes, I endorse this young musician and as many people are like "dude he sounds like he's 12 what a n00b" I actually think he's a breath of fresh air amidst all the vulgar lyrics about "hotel motels" and how "she's all upon me screamin' yeahhhhh".
I mean I've had an up and down relationship w/ rap and hip hop. I love the beats, but the lyrics are just so gross these days it's not easy to listen to it seriously without shaking my head. It's an open-forum most of the time to degrade and oversexualize females.
But w/ Mr. Beiber, even the usual durrrtay-lyriced rap stars featured on his songs are singing very nice and respectful things about females.
You take my breathe away, with every thing
You say. I just wanna be with you my baby,
My baby, ohhh. My miss don’t play no games,
Treats you no other way, that you deserve,
Cause you’re the girl of my dreams.
Now that's pretty cute, yes? :)
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Distortion is ugly and the beauty in truth
What do you see in the mirror?
I think the ugly cloud has hovered overhead for nearly as much as I remember. Elementary school I felt short and didn't like how my eyes were so narrow and chinky. Middle school I just felt extremely awkward in anything I wore and hated my hair. Highschool was a magnanimous train wreck of rebellious skin, unfortunate haircuts and a fixation freckles, face and just... everything. Ugly, ugly, ugly.
The really ironic part? I look at pictures of me back then and even of the years I felt the most hideous and visually unimpressive, I look back and I see a beautiful girl. I see long glossy, deep chocolate colored locks in eye-catching hairties. I see an adorable little figure in white tights and a floral print dress fit for any magazine ad. I see a smile that perfectly compliments a romantic springtime garden. That girl had to live those years believing the lie that she was ugly and not worth looking at. What evil lies that skewed what she saw in the mirror and led her to believe it as FACT. What evil, fucking lies led her to lose so much time dwelling, obsessing with not being beautiful. This realization, this unveiling of truth reaches a deep part of me, and the lies that have cut deep and shameful wounds in my self-perception are still being rewritten since looking at those pictures.
Such pain was endured, such self-deprecating pain. I can reluctantly recall being so unhappy with the person I was and looked at and decided to retaliate through restricting -- though I couldn't change my height, bone structure and whatnot, I channeled all my self-hate into changing my weight. What does this mean for me today?
Looking into the mirror is taking a gamble. There are days, sometimes weeks where the lies will creep up and take hold of me, unawares. My eyes pick a part my body like 2 ruthless judges. They will convince my mind of the need to improve and my heart is subsequently ruined for the day with nothing but an insatiable craving for change and improvement.
Then there are those other days. But sometimes I surprise myself with what I see. I see that girl in the pictures of yesteryear, only she's grown up a little, 22 years old actually, and has shorter hair. She compliments the colors in her outfit nicely and has cute freckles and moles that speckle her otherwise milky yellow-hued skin.
Someday, I wish this could be the norm of my days. Where the soilbeds of aligning truth and perception blossom into confidence and knowing I am worthy. Until then I'm fighting, constantly fighting. The army of lies are relentless cockroaches, evolved to resist and adapt. Defeating them is going to take a lot more than halfserious defense tactics. But this is just a day out of the long process of getting there. No matter what happens from this raging internal battle, I am a child of God. And nothing can take that away from me. Not even biggest, ugliest LIE.
What do you see in the mirror?
I think the ugly cloud has hovered overhead for nearly as much as I remember. Elementary school I felt short and didn't like how my eyes were so narrow and chinky. Middle school I just felt extremely awkward in anything I wore and hated my hair. Highschool was a magnanimous train wreck of rebellious skin, unfortunate haircuts and a fixation freckles, face and just... everything. Ugly, ugly, ugly.
The really ironic part? I look at pictures of me back then and even of the years I felt the most hideous and visually unimpressive, I look back and I see a beautiful girl. I see long glossy, deep chocolate colored locks in eye-catching hairties. I see an adorable little figure in white tights and a floral print dress fit for any magazine ad. I see a smile that perfectly compliments a romantic springtime garden. That girl had to live those years believing the lie that she was ugly and not worth looking at. What evil lies that skewed what she saw in the mirror and led her to believe it as FACT. What evil, fucking lies led her to lose so much time dwelling, obsessing with not being beautiful. This realization, this unveiling of truth reaches a deep part of me, and the lies that have cut deep and shameful wounds in my self-perception are still being rewritten since looking at those pictures.
Such pain was endured, such self-deprecating pain. I can reluctantly recall being so unhappy with the person I was and looked at and decided to retaliate through restricting -- though I couldn't change my height, bone structure and whatnot, I channeled all my self-hate into changing my weight. What does this mean for me today?
Looking into the mirror is taking a gamble. There are days, sometimes weeks where the lies will creep up and take hold of me, unawares. My eyes pick a part my body like 2 ruthless judges. They will convince my mind of the need to improve and my heart is subsequently ruined for the day with nothing but an insatiable craving for change and improvement.
Then there are those other days. But sometimes I surprise myself with what I see. I see that girl in the pictures of yesteryear, only she's grown up a little, 22 years old actually, and has shorter hair. She compliments the colors in her outfit nicely and has cute freckles and moles that speckle her otherwise milky yellow-hued skin.
Someday, I wish this could be the norm of my days. Where the soilbeds of aligning truth and perception blossom into confidence and knowing I am worthy. Until then I'm fighting, constantly fighting. The army of lies are relentless cockroaches, evolved to resist and adapt. Defeating them is going to take a lot more than halfserious defense tactics. But this is just a day out of the long process of getting there. No matter what happens from this raging internal battle, I am a child of God. And nothing can take that away from me. Not even biggest, ugliest LIE.
What do you see in the mirror?
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
I'm gonna do it!
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
- Mark Twain
Dear Davis,
I love you so much. You were a place of significant personal growth for me. I've made long-lasting friendships here with the people I've met, and the charming little parks and shops I've gotten to know. I love how you always gave me a place when I needed rest, reflection and an expression of beauty from nature. Your quaint little roads and structures I'll always cherish.
I hope you understand that I have to go soon. Don't worry, Davis, this isn't goodbye forever. You have a permanent place in my heart forever. The thing is, I'm ready for adventure!! No longer am I wistfully dreaming of far away places and unfamiliar climates. I've been saying for the past whateverso years that "I wanna take some time to travel" either in the form of study abroad or taking time after I graduate to do so. But the BUTS kept getting in the way. Big buts, little buts. There will always be something to hold me back from doing what I want to do. Now is the time, you see?
Once it was something that I wanted, but now it is something I am ready for. I am craving an amazing experience outside of the boundaries of my usual neighborhoods and circles. I'm going to get lost and meet strangers. I'm going to be scoffed at by locals for being so dumb, or maybe laughed at endearingly. I'm going to find my way and map out my own adventures. Things will be planned and spontaneous. What me? A relatively shy and naive asian girl with only a bachelor's degree and 21 years of a mellow, comfortable lifestyle to recount? YES ME.
I'm going to do it! I'm going to commit. I'm going to apply for places where I'll be able to work and get housing. I'm going to have multiple backup plans. OH man, backup plans are so great, they make you feel invincible (another post on that later). I'm going to do it.
Let's keep in touch, Davis. Watch out World here I come.
Your friend,
Amber
Sunday, February 7, 2010
An hour and a half
1.5 hours of my life slipped elusively through my hands. 1.5 hours that I'll never get back. 1.5 hours was the time it took for me to make a concrete decision to despise something with a burning passion equal, coincidentally, to the burning love many hold for this ....
Twilight.
Awful, despicable, deplorable, BAD. These are the adjectives among a larger list of synonyms I use to describe the series by Stephanie Meyer. I didn't even finish the whole thing. I don't even know where to begin. Oh, I know, how about first with a couple things a good book and movie should have, but this series clearly doesn't: 1) creativity and 2) quality. Really now, I didn't know that a pathetic attempt at a Anne Rice (author of Interview with the Vampire series) fanction can become 2008-now's media obsession. Magazine after magazine feature what's his face that played Cedric Diggory and that pale Kristen something girl and now that Jacob dude. Oh, what? Is Edward supposed to be incredibly good looking and appealing? I'm sorry, I guess I didn't get the memo that pale, broody and expressionless was supposed to woo me into a helpless state of giggles and blushing.
Finally, after avoiding the thing for a year, I decided that I wanted to watch the first Twilight last week with a friend for comical purposes. Oh boy did we get our fair share of laughs.
"Why do they keep staring at each other?" "Yeah, awkward."
"Um, when I moved schools nobody really knew me or where I came from, why do people know everything about her already?"
"Is this acting? Are they supposed to sound like a sleepy robot?"
I am astounded -- ASTOUNDED at what a positive and almost obsessive response this movie has gotten from teenagers to middle-aged women alike. The fact that this movie has had such a following and such a high-drool reaction really stumps me. I mean, is it okay for your a guy to say things like "I want to kill you. I've never wanted a humans blood so much in my life." And then to be all like "..unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him" Is that romantic? Is that legal?
What are we trying to tell females here? This is like propaganda for pro-abusive relationships. It's okay that your boyfriend wants to kill you... yeah, you two have a special trust, connection thing so you should just stay in it with him. Oh, or maybe as long as he is an "attractive" and sparkly vampire, it's okay to have the characteristics of a sadistic creep. Did I mention he's like 600 years old and that he likes a 17 year old? Yeah, that's cool.
Right.
Twilight.
Awful, despicable, deplorable, BAD. These are the adjectives among a larger list of synonyms I use to describe the series by Stephanie Meyer. I didn't even finish the whole thing. I don't even know where to begin. Oh, I know, how about first with a couple things a good book and movie should have, but this series clearly doesn't: 1) creativity and 2) quality. Really now, I didn't know that a pathetic attempt at a Anne Rice (author of Interview with the Vampire series) fanction can become 2008-now's media obsession. Magazine after magazine feature what's his face that played Cedric Diggory and that pale Kristen something girl and now that Jacob dude. Oh, what? Is Edward supposed to be incredibly good looking and appealing? I'm sorry, I guess I didn't get the memo that pale, broody and expressionless was supposed to woo me into a helpless state of giggles and blushing.
Finally, after avoiding the thing for a year, I decided that I wanted to watch the first Twilight last week with a friend for comical purposes. Oh boy did we get our fair share of laughs.
"Why do they keep staring at each other?" "Yeah, awkward."
"Um, when I moved schools nobody really knew me or where I came from, why do people know everything about her already?"
"Is this acting? Are they supposed to sound like a sleepy robot?"
I am astounded -- ASTOUNDED at what a positive and almost obsessive response this movie has gotten from teenagers to middle-aged women alike. The fact that this movie has had such a following and such a high-drool reaction really stumps me. I mean, is it okay for your a guy to say things like "I want to kill you. I've never wanted a humans blood so much in my life." And then to be all like "..unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him" Is that romantic? Is that legal?
What are we trying to tell females here? This is like propaganda for pro-abusive relationships. It's okay that your boyfriend wants to kill you... yeah, you two have a special trust, connection thing so you should just stay in it with him. Oh, or maybe as long as he is an "attractive" and sparkly vampire, it's okay to have the characteristics of a sadistic creep. Did I mention he's like 600 years old and that he likes a 17 year old? Yeah, that's cool.
Right.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Raw-some?
I am sitting in a raw, vegan cafe right now where things like RAW chocolate smoothies made of cacao powder and raw nut milks are concocted for the handsome price tag of $5.95 a glass. Raw, living food, they call it.
As I'm sipping on my green smoothie that's reminiscent of the Odwalla Superfood and is chock full of greens AND algae (yes spirulina and chlorella), I'm apt to find this type of haute-cuisine quite intriguing, but also just a lil plain strange.
How does one survive off of purely raw foods (foods that haven't been processed over 104 F) and not become starved and silly? Upon further research and exploration, I found that the raw foodists are actually pretty clever and definitely very creative. They've taken the simplest elements of the most basic foods and made them to mimic their conventional cooked counterparts -- raw bread from sprouted grains, nuts and pastes from plant parts to make even things like burritos and "burgres". It's the cuisine of the romanticized caveman, where nuts, seeds and berries made up the staples of the diet.
A friend of mine has been living that lifestyle successfully for already 6 years! She is what I call a sucessful "hippie." Someone who hasn't just bought into a phase of life that lasts only during those cataclysmic college years, but has made it last and worthwhile up to her happy 40's. I have to give her props for that because a life without fresh baked bread and steamed rice is... well ... not a life I can live =)
Amber
As I'm sipping on my green smoothie that's reminiscent of the Odwalla Superfood and is chock full of greens AND algae (yes spirulina and chlorella), I'm apt to find this type of haute-cuisine quite intriguing, but also just a lil plain strange.
How does one survive off of purely raw foods (foods that haven't been processed over 104 F) and not become starved and silly? Upon further research and exploration, I found that the raw foodists are actually pretty clever and definitely very creative. They've taken the simplest elements of the most basic foods and made them to mimic their conventional cooked counterparts -- raw bread from sprouted grains, nuts and pastes from plant parts to make even things like burritos and "burgres". It's the cuisine of the romanticized caveman, where nuts, seeds and berries made up the staples of the diet.
A friend of mine has been living that lifestyle successfully for already 6 years! She is what I call a sucessful "hippie." Someone who hasn't just bought into a phase of life that lasts only during those cataclysmic college years, but has made it last and worthwhile up to her happy 40's. I have to give her props for that because a life without fresh baked bread and steamed rice is... well ... not a life I can live =)
Amber
Monday, January 4, 2010
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
SEX SCENES
Hm, didn't know what to title this post, so I'd thought of something that would catch your eye.
What? It worked, obviously.
So I was watching Avatar today (which is AMAZING by the way. it's been a while since a movie has amazed me so much. i can't help saying this, but Pocahontas/Ferngully on crack, anyone?) and I couldn't help notice that practically every preview I watched had a glimmer of sexual tension or a hint of the act itself in it. One movie preview had the clashing of fire, weapons and armies and sex scene; another had the exciting adventure of treasure seeking, magical tales and myths coming to life and sex scene; and then another captured the suspenseful chase and showcase of how much beating a human body can take when on the run... oh and sex scene. sex scene, sex scene, sex scene. wtf?
Is it so normal and expected, that producers and directors are just like "cool, awesome! The story is great. now let's put ubiquitous sex scene overrr~rrr *closes eyes and waves fingers and points to arbitrary spot on script* THERE." And NOW the previews. Pair up some epic sounding choir music with a lot of bass with a sex scene, and apparently it's supposed to make me want to watch the movie.
We all know how AWKWARD the romance in a lot of action/fantasy movies can be. I think writers a) are fed up trying to make the love speak for itself through high quality dialogue (antiexample: Annakin (looking at Padme): I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth) or b) don't believe that the audience can get the hint or need stronger examples because we're too dense to get it or c) think we actually enjoy watching sex scenes even though it makes it awkward for everyone especially if we're watching with our parents
or maybe it's d) that the sex eduation council wants to send subliminal visual lessons to the people because how else will they learn.
Seriously do other people see it as something to wait out until it's over?? Or treat it as a time where the upper-left hand corner of the movie/tv screen is actually interesting to look at? I don't know what the general consensus of this is, but this loser who can't handle it thinks that it's just this tacky accessory that I think a lot of action/fantasy movies can save a good 2-3 minutes.
And if that's the case, I'm waiting for them go out of date.
I'm out!
Amber
What? It worked, obviously.
So I was watching Avatar today (which is AMAZING by the way. it's been a while since a movie has amazed me so much. i can't help saying this, but Pocahontas/Ferngully on crack, anyone?) and I couldn't help notice that practically every preview I watched had a glimmer of sexual tension or a hint of the act itself in it. One movie preview had the clashing of fire, weapons and armies and sex scene; another had the exciting adventure of treasure seeking, magical tales and myths coming to life and sex scene; and then another captured the suspenseful chase and showcase of how much beating a human body can take when on the run... oh and sex scene. sex scene, sex scene, sex scene. wtf?
Is it so normal and expected, that producers and directors are just like "cool, awesome! The story is great. now let's put ubiquitous sex scene overrr~rrr *closes eyes and waves fingers and points to arbitrary spot on script* THERE." And NOW the previews. Pair up some epic sounding choir music with a lot of bass with a sex scene, and apparently it's supposed to make me want to watch the movie.
We all know how AWKWARD the romance in a lot of action/fantasy movies can be. I think writers a) are fed up trying to make the love speak for itself through high quality dialogue (antiexample: Annakin (looking at Padme): I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth) or b) don't believe that the audience can get the hint or need stronger examples because we're too dense to get it or c) think we actually enjoy watching sex scenes even though it makes it awkward for everyone especially if we're watching with our parents
or maybe it's d) that the sex eduation council wants to send subliminal visual lessons to the people because how else will they learn.
Seriously do other people see it as something to wait out until it's over?? Or treat it as a time where the upper-left hand corner of the movie/tv screen is actually interesting to look at? I don't know what the general consensus of this is, but this loser who can't handle it thinks that it's just this tacky accessory that I think a lot of action/fantasy movies can save a good 2-3 minutes.
And if that's the case, I'm waiting for them go out of date.
I'm out!
Amber
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Some words in my head
i see no sign of spring in your december eyes.
with a frosty breath you said the words
that froze the heart that would have
warmed your captive expression.
with a frosty breath you said the words
that froze the heart that would have
warmed your captive expression.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
I can hear the bells...
...For one of my bestest friends, Shuyin!! Yes that's right, Shuyin is going to be the first of my friends to get married and I'm going to be a bridesmaid. Heck yea!! Sea-foam green hideous dress here I come.
Just kidding!! (she's planning to give us the classy and timeless black dress that can be worn over again. oh i love how practical she is :P )
Ding dong the bells are going to chime and I'm going to play a part other than table-sitter and food-eater for one of the most important events of Shuyin and Dave's lives! I am thrilled, excited and utterly joyful for them.
But wow, think about it. This is a wedding. My peer is getting married. Peer = my age. Oh crap, I'm 22 and people start or are currently thinking about this stuff at my age. When the flip did this happen? Me? At the age to get married and getting all serious and stuff? Oh I would rofl if the ground weren't so hard (hardwood floors, you know.)
People know me as the girl who ranked celibacy as #2 for her gifts test (next to #1 Hospitality and #3 Encouragement). I often make the words of Paul in the book of 1 Corinthians as my motto on the issue: "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."
That reminds me of the song shorty fire burnin on the dancefloor, but that's besides the point. Yeah... I don't think I'm really burning with any passion. It's just that... I don't see myself sharing my life with someone else with such a high degree of intimacy. This is MY life, time and space and I am hard-pressed to give that up!! My romantic notions are still pretty juvenile; not unlike the portrayal of love as done by Korean dramas that consist only of the magic of getting to know the person, the cuteness of maybe holding hands and just the loveliness of being liked by someone. There is no getting serious (except those crazy ones where ppl give up their eyeballs for the other person, but that's besides the point.)
So what does that mean for me? Am I to live out the road of singleness as Paul had and to find utter satisfaction and fulfillment in that?
Hmm celibacy -- I've been told that's a pretty special gift. But I wish it came also with the gift of super wisdom.... or flying.. or a $50 giftcard to Trader Joe's. Either one.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
They call him ED
It's a dark and destructive place -- to be consumed by the numbers on the scale and to fear what is meant to be sustenance and nutrition. I've definitely read and seen how Ed grips people in differing degrees of severity. Some women are scared out of their minds to eat and need drugs to calm them down. Others manage to allow themselves nourishment, but are just overly analytical about it.
I remember for myself when I was in that bad place in my life, when sitting down at a restaurant or going grocery shopping would result in an immediate routine dialogue in my head about what's the best choice to eat based on what would make me fat or not: I should only order dishes that would be the least greasy and smallest portions. I cannot buy anything with too much sugar, actually forget buying any snacks at all. How did that all start? I can pinpoint a moment in my junior year of highschool that I looked at myself one day and thought "too fat." And the cutting of portions, the slashing out of sugary and unhealthy snacks, the constant weighing and number counting began.
A good day wasn't a day where I ate delicious foods and had all things in moderation. No, a good day was me being hungry, dizzy and grumpy. What's sad was that despite feeling miserable and anxious all the time of what went in my stomach, I felt proud and accomplished. Each pound lost was a victory of ridding myself the nuisances and despicableness I found in my life. Each pound lost was the finger at Nature, who did not make me thin and beautiful as I would have liked to have been. Even though I was so unhappy with many things in my life, I had the trophies of my weight-control to take comfort in.
But those days are in the past. I was never really diagnosed with an ED, but I'm pretty sure I would have been had I continued down that path. Interestingly, I had gradually gotten myself out of trying to lose weight all the time. It might have been a combining factor of a lot of things -- 1) my tactics to drop the pounds was backfiring and I was just sick of battling myself all the time, 2) i was finding myself less and less anxious about life and more and more blessed at all the new things I was embarking upon in college 3) I like food too much to give a shit anymore.
Honestly though, I still relapse into very negative thoughts about my looks like today when I was trying on clothes at a store. There's something about being in a fitting room with unfamiliar articles of clothing that can make or break a girl's perception of herself. Sizes are so varying and those mirrors are so darn revealing that it's difficult not to listen to Ed who's telling you you should be X pounds less so you can fit into certain things better.
I really hope one day I can just not care anymore. I really hope to not have to care about such superficial concerns and not to wastefully let it take precedence in my thoughts and attention. I really hope to make the inner critic in me STFU while it's screaming all the regrets I should be having for what I ate dinner or how I should look like. I really hope to listen to only what the real me is saying.
It's such a inward-focused mentality and it's so so sad that many talented and brilliant people just can't be themselves anymore because Ed is consuming them and letting them waste away. I hope everyone can realize how there's so much more to life than caring to look "pretty enough" or "thin enough." it's not worth the time and feelings and anxiety and thought energy!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Almost FML
Hello all! It's SO cold. It was actually supposed to snow, but it just ended up being rainy, cold and wet. blah. AnyWAYS. My dad had spent an extra 1.4K to fly home from a middle of a business trip to see my graduation. Yesterday I realized I didn't register or commencement. FML. ORRR WAS IT??
Freaking mercy was shown on me and the lady in charge says I'm still eligible. Damn dude, talk about living on the edge. I felt invincible when I got the greenlight. But then I lost a glove. Oh well, life's give and take i guess =)
Thought I would give a bit of a food update, since I haven't in a while. And quite honestly I haven't been making that much interesting stuff, just korean soups, lots of veggies, squashes, pumpkins and lots of nut butters. But today I thought I would make lunch a little special!!!
Almost ALL of the ingredients in my lunch were locally grown/from a farmer's market/veggie basket!!
Screams fall salad -- cabbage, squash and apples from the farmers market, arugula from the CSA, persimmons from somebody's yard, blue cheese from nugget and pecans from trader joe's. Dressing was made with lime from farmers market and a bit of apple cider for sweetness. SO GOOD.
The cabbage I got from the FM was SO HUGE, like a foot in diameter or something and only $1.50 for the whole thing! It's also surprisingly super sweet, unlike any cabbage i've ever had before.
Pumpkin tortilla from FM and eggs from a Davis producer. I think I like very orangey foods at the moment :)
Okay enjoy that food for thought. hope it inspires you to make something delicious and fresh as well! (some of you are like, GIRL i ain't got no time for this).
:) Amber
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Autumn date
I like to stroll downtown near sunset and notice picturesque trees against the backdrop of glowing skies and smudges of clouds. It's nice hearing the sounds of conversations passing you by and the wind rustling the leaves. Some people have a really great fall fashion styles! I like sitting in cozy cafes, sipping on too much tea and noticing the different people around me. I like to make up conversations for the ones I can't hear: an older couple where the man is telling her that she's joy and light in his life; or a mom and daughter making strides in their growing relationship.
There's something about walking downtown by yourself on any old fall day that is beautiful and oddly romantic. I get to notice all these details at my pace, get lost in my thoughts and muse about the things around me. Ah, yup. Methinks there's nothing like a date with yourself. Do you find that strange? :)
Amber
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Designer Amber is in the hizzzzouse
I have been inspired by fashion lately to make stuff like... OWL PILLOWS and little ornaments!!!
More to come!! I'm also trying to spruce up this really bland gray blazer that's been in my sister's closet for a while. It seems that all this creativity is making this weekend pretty jazzzy. Haha never thought I had it in me to use a sewing machine (on the owl pillow!).
Thursday, November 26, 2009
What the devil says to me
Dude amber, what's your problem girl? Why are your recent posts so dark and ambiguously EMO. You're not usually like this are you? When I first met you, I thought you were cheerful with a sunny disposition. Now, reading this and getting to know you more, you seem to be more of the partly cloudy type most days.
I guess I'm a little disappointed. I remember you used to be pretty optimistic and fun to be around. Now, it seems like you have ISSUES. No, don't tell me what they are -- I only have time for the fun and happy Amber, or big and juicy issues like boys and friend drama. Your troubles wear me out. They're just your mundane insecurities that are not only tedious to explain, but tedious to listen to also. Everyone has these and YOU should just get over them.
Speaking of big and juicy issues, why aren't you more x y or z? If you look at girl A, she's got a lot going for her. People love her and she is just so naturally loving. Why aren't you more like that?
Or don't you ever doubt yourself because you are lacking a lot of things? I think you really should look at why you aren't successful or have certain things and change them because it must have something to do with who you are... which isn't really all that great.
And because of your not so great self, you are kind of just there taking up space. See, even that person you thought you could rely on and that person you thought you were tight with don't even want you around. You try to share with them what's on your mind, and they change the subject and don't even acknowledge or try to understand you. They make what you're going through seem insignificant and not worth listening to. Oh yeah, that's because they are.
You should just stay and forget about trying to do anything good because it's not like you are going to succeed anyway. Well, anyhoos. Thought that I'd let you know what was on my mind. I'll be back soon, don't worry. We have a LOT more to talk about.
Your only friend,
The devil.
I guess I'm a little disappointed. I remember you used to be pretty optimistic and fun to be around. Now, it seems like you have ISSUES. No, don't tell me what they are -- I only have time for the fun and happy Amber, or big and juicy issues like boys and friend drama. Your troubles wear me out. They're just your mundane insecurities that are not only tedious to explain, but tedious to listen to also. Everyone has these and YOU should just get over them.
Speaking of big and juicy issues, why aren't you more x y or z? If you look at girl A, she's got a lot going for her. People love her and she is just so naturally loving. Why aren't you more like that?
Or don't you ever doubt yourself because you are lacking a lot of things? I think you really should look at why you aren't successful or have certain things and change them because it must have something to do with who you are... which isn't really all that great.
And because of your not so great self, you are kind of just there taking up space. See, even that person you thought you could rely on and that person you thought you were tight with don't even want you around. You try to share with them what's on your mind, and they change the subject and don't even acknowledge or try to understand you. They make what you're going through seem insignificant and not worth listening to. Oh yeah, that's because they are.
You should just stay and forget about trying to do anything good because it's not like you are going to succeed anyway. Well, anyhoos. Thought that I'd let you know what was on my mind. I'll be back soon, don't worry. We have a LOT more to talk about.
Your only friend,
The devil.
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