What the Flip do I do?

People who first meet me often ask what I am studying.

In my thoughts, I sigh and reply, "I'm an Agricultural Management and Rangeland Resources major on the Sustainable Production Systems Track."

People stare back at me in perplexity wondering what the heck I just said, "Um, what?" O__o


In truth, I HATE telling people my major. No I'm not ashamed of it or anything -- it's just so long to say and so, so difficult to understand from the name alone. It's not straightforward and simple like Psychology, English or even just saying "I'm Pre-med." But asking what I do and what I want to do takes patience and a real sit-down conversation.

But despite all that, I think it's appropriate how it's just that complicated. Because essentially, my major and field of study IS complicated.

So what DO I do? What AM I studying? I am basically in love with sustainable agriculture and want to work in the community to outreach, educate and provide in ways to improve the food system. This reaches anywhere from parks, schools, hospitals, workplaces, cafeterias, restaurants, farms, grocery stores ladeeda.

No, I do not want to farm. Okay, farming is like totally awesome and I have a deep respect for people who are out there on the land and provide us with nourishment and fresh produce, but my talents and interest do not lie there. My enthusiasm is found working with people, and like I said before, the community. Getting affordable local foods to low-income neighborhoods and families, implementing farm-to-school programs to educate students about the importance of a healthy food system and diet and reshaping the conception of what a park should look like in the form of edible landscaping are all things I want to see happen and be involved with!!

I see a great change and shift in our society towards a more sustainable agriculture and greater food/social justice too and I am very excited to be a part of that.

Does that make sense? :)

Finally you know what I do.

-amber

The elephant that broke my heart... in which I proceeded to kill him

You know how in the last post I said something about my "if I were to fall down then I should be better prepared for it" because I've been learning a lot this summer? Well, I got REALLY sad yesterday. like REALLY REALLY sad. It was as if a 1000 pound elephant was with me the whole day. And all day long it was criticizing me and feeding me lies about how I'm stupid and foolish and not worth anyone's time. Killing it directly was futile and useless .... because it was freaking 1000 pounds, ya dig?

I could imagine how easy it would be to overcome sadness and despair when I'm on the flip side of things. But when I actually find myself there, it's dark and confusing and I don't even know where to start finding my way back. Admittedly, I chose to keep myself there for a while because I was bitter (still am a little) and formulated that if only "X Y or Z" would happen, then that would remedy my pain.

Okay, this is the big shocker. Inside, there's a part of me who is actually the elephant!!! dun dundun! It is this part that basks in that darkness, ashamed of admitting being wrong... of admitting WHAT is wrong.

Come, Tuesday I would have to see people for bible study. Bible study is a good, good thing. The elephant convinced me that I should run away and that biblestudy would only make my problem worse. I went to sleep believing that and came up with all these excuses I could make to run away. Then I remembered, "crap, BBS is at my house. and CRAP I'm leading it too."

No way out.

And then it hit me. What am I doing?? Can I please step out of my skin for a moment and slap myself? Am I really going to let a couple of insignificant problems triumph over what is good for me, and what I love? As easy as running away would be; as close to my selfish nature it would be to formulate excuses and be consumed by bitterness, God is bigger than my problems. Like the Israelites who were led in the wilderness for 40 years, I can't understand why it is happening to me, but His work is all around me as it was for them. He made sure they were fed, that their clothes or shoes did not wear out, that the animals did not harm them.


The elephant has been shot down. (sucka).

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139.